07-17-2012, 08:51 AM
Agree with Todd, the structure and flow of the poem is good. It hits the expected beats at the proper points.
If at all I had to pick a minor nit, it's perhaps that the POV is a bit too passive and removed for the tension you were trying to build up around the middle. "A coffin-weight of worry grows", "Feelings stripped and harshly flayed" ... whose worry? whose feelings? The narrator's? Up until then the scenario makes itself out to be almost a universal experience that the reader can distantly project to, and didn't seem to involve the narrator at all. So I suppose storytelling-wise you have to decide whether to make it the personal journey of the narrator (in which case a more active first person POV is in order) or to keep it passive and detached, in which case those details would then be smoothed over.
It was a great read for me. Thanks for sharing
If at all I had to pick a minor nit, it's perhaps that the POV is a bit too passive and removed for the tension you were trying to build up around the middle. "A coffin-weight of worry grows", "Feelings stripped and harshly flayed" ... whose worry? whose feelings? The narrator's? Up until then the scenario makes itself out to be almost a universal experience that the reader can distantly project to, and didn't seem to involve the narrator at all. So I suppose storytelling-wise you have to decide whether to make it the personal journey of the narrator (in which case a more active first person POV is in order) or to keep it passive and detached, in which case those details would then be smoothed over.
It was a great read for me. Thanks for sharing
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?