(07-16-2012, 05:32 AM)Universalchild Wrote: @billysometimes, a lack of punctuation works fine. it's when a reader is forced to pause or carry on when he should be doing something else that it doesn't work.
I want a lack of punctuation without making it difficult to read. That might just be annoying though.
Thanks for the suggestions, I'll repost the edit in serious crit so you can have a real dig if you like. I posted it here because I didn't think it was ready for serious crit. I was paranoid it was overly cliche because... Well, I know this subject is common, but when you write about something which actually happened, I think there is a degree where it can be allowed, as long as you try and express it in a different way.
while it's okay for subjects to be cliche, i think the consensus is that how it's told or shown shouldn't be. let's face it, how many topics are there to write about out there, (a lot less than what people think, i'd wager)
a good poem is usually a good poem because of the quality of original lines and phrases that are used to put it together. which is basically what you just said
