07-16-2012, 05:32 AM
@penguin
Perhaps because this poem is a real event it carries more weight and emotion. Every other poem I have posted so far has been a story either completely fantasy or based vaguely on someone/something.
Since you and someone else mentioned the anyone, I'll try cutting it out in the edit and see how I feel.
It is smoky? Oops. I think that looks stupid though. I shall cast it aside!
To clarify, she is unspoken because people don't talk about her. They ignore her because facing her is painful. She "whispers" in blood, meaning she only expresses herself through self harm, it does not refer to an actual whisper.
Thanks for the suggestions, I'll take everything into consideration. Don't feel you have overstepped, some lines I won't cut/change because they are simply part of the poem, but I wouldn't post it if I wasn't willing to edit.
@billy
I want a lack of punctuation without making it difficult to read. That might just be annoying though.
Thanks for the suggestions, I'll repost the edit in serious crit so you can have a real dig if you like. I posted it here because I didn't think it was ready for serious crit. I was paranoid it was overly cliche because... Well, I know this subject is common, but when you write about something which actually happened, I think there is a degree where it can be allowed, as long as you try and express it in a different way.
@Philatone
Don't worry about overstepping, I'm here to improve and learn.
She is the only focus of the poem. Considering the subject, I think there is nothing else that can be focused on. And it may have a report-ish feeling to it, but it kind of is a poem of an event. This isn't a story in the sense of something which was imagined, this is just a truth. If it is too linear, I'm not sure if it's possible to change it, as I think it would dishonor her memory to invent something. All that was ever known of this was that she lived an awful, pitiful life, and died alone.
Perhaps because this poem is a real event it carries more weight and emotion. Every other poem I have posted so far has been a story either completely fantasy or based vaguely on someone/something.
Since you and someone else mentioned the anyone, I'll try cutting it out in the edit and see how I feel.
It is smoky? Oops. I think that looks stupid though. I shall cast it aside!
To clarify, she is unspoken because people don't talk about her. They ignore her because facing her is painful. She "whispers" in blood, meaning she only expresses herself through self harm, it does not refer to an actual whisper.
Thanks for the suggestions, I'll take everything into consideration. Don't feel you have overstepped, some lines I won't cut/change because they are simply part of the poem, but I wouldn't post it if I wasn't willing to edit.
@billy
I want a lack of punctuation without making it difficult to read. That might just be annoying though.
Thanks for the suggestions, I'll repost the edit in serious crit so you can have a real dig if you like. I posted it here because I didn't think it was ready for serious crit. I was paranoid it was overly cliche because... Well, I know this subject is common, but when you write about something which actually happened, I think there is a degree where it can be allowed, as long as you try and express it in a different way.
@Philatone
Don't worry about overstepping, I'm here to improve and learn.
She is the only focus of the poem. Considering the subject, I think there is nothing else that can be focused on. And it may have a report-ish feeling to it, but it kind of is a poem of an event. This isn't a story in the sense of something which was imagined, this is just a truth. If it is too linear, I'm not sure if it's possible to change it, as I think it would dishonor her memory to invent something. All that was ever known of this was that she lived an awful, pitiful life, and died alone.