07-14-2012, 11:53 AM
I like this, it is funny, and I think you capture it well.
I don't think this probably reads as you intended. I understand it is suppose to be mimicking the speech pattern of the main character/ speaker. We will call her the "open your heart to me" woman. Yet it seems overly chopped for a normal speech pattern, or even an effected one. I think a little less staccato and a little more legato, with the quarter note equal to, say 120, like a good Sousa march, instead of quarter note equals 160 (like a speed freak's heart rate), as it is now.
Punctuation is the problem in that it ultimately fails to convey what we want it too. Personally, I like it's use, even at times it's overuse, but you will find that I am in the minority here on that subject.
After having read a number of your poem, I begin to think you are like a fungus, and though somewhat repulsive, you are starting to grow on me none-the-less. Oh well, I will simply consume your poetry and it can go and live with the rest of the flora and fauna of my intestinal tract. :p
Dale
I don't think this probably reads as you intended. I understand it is suppose to be mimicking the speech pattern of the main character/ speaker. We will call her the "open your heart to me" woman. Yet it seems overly chopped for a normal speech pattern, or even an effected one. I think a little less staccato and a little more legato, with the quarter note equal to, say 120, like a good Sousa march, instead of quarter note equals 160 (like a speed freak's heart rate), as it is now.
Punctuation is the problem in that it ultimately fails to convey what we want it too. Personally, I like it's use, even at times it's overuse, but you will find that I am in the minority here on that subject.
After having read a number of your poem, I begin to think you are like a fungus, and though somewhat repulsive, you are starting to grow on me none-the-less. Oh well, I will simply consume your poetry and it can go and live with the rest of the flora and fauna of my intestinal tract. :p
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.