Horace
#5
Beautiful imagery. I like how they thread together in a non-linear, lateral way.

(07-13-2012, 02:22 AM)a vermits Wrote:  ————————————————————————————————————


Was what I saw
sitting in encounter There may be something wrong with the grammar of this couplet

you in Tampa
between bird cries: wheels of
broken big wheels – hair silly
string and sad string? Maybe just "silly string and sad" ? Dunno, just imo

Was what I saw
sitting in Kenosha.
north bound children
with no hope for encounter? Again, the grammar reads as a little stilted (though it does give the piece an interesting vibe)

Through milk dishes, fishing line
and generous summer storms

Tampa rains over
trash: space we generously called
a garden. "space we generously called a garden"...One of my favorites in this poem Smile

while passive driveways are plowed in Kenosha

and strange American boys sweat
American

their father’s sift the sea for women Fascinating image

and “good sea women”
for drinks
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Reply


Messages In This Thread
Horace - by a vermits - 07-13-2012, 02:22 AM
RE: Horace - by Erthona - 07-13-2012, 03:18 AM
RE: Horace - by Philatone - 07-13-2012, 11:14 AM
RE: Horace - by billy - 07-13-2012, 11:40 AM
RE: Horace - by addy - 07-13-2012, 02:41 PM



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!