Beautiful imagery. I like how they thread together in a non-linear, lateral way.
(07-13-2012, 02:22 AM)a vermits Wrote: ————————————————————————————————————
Was what I saw
sitting in encounter There may be something wrong with the grammar of this couplet
you in Tampa
between bird cries: wheels of
broken big wheels – hair silly
string and sad string? Maybe just "silly string and sad" ? Dunno, just imo
Was what I saw
sitting in Kenosha.
north bound children
with no hope for encounter? Again, the grammar reads as a little stilted (though it does give the piece an interesting vibe)
Through milk dishes, fishing line
and generous summer storms
Tampa rains over
trash: space we generously called
a garden. "space we generously called a garden"...One of my favorites in this poem
while passive driveways are plowed in Kenosha
and strange American boys sweat
American
their father’s sift the sea for women Fascinating image
and “good sea women”
for drinks
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?

