07-13-2012, 11:55 AM
To me it sounds like dreams are a kind of an antagonist to ones soul and mind, if that wasn't what you were going for then I'm sorry.
It was was an easy read for the fact that the lines weren't stuffed with just too much, I do agree with what billy pointed out about the word "paths" being repeated.
"To find a path"-- I would probably just cross that line out altogether, it seems redundant to me or just extra.
"A path framed by fields of silver wheat" -- I can see the image and it will be memorable, I like how creative that is and wonder why you chose "silver wheat."
The last line, I don't think it's over the top, I just don't think it fits with the poem, I could be slow but the last line just confused me.
I like the opening it is very catchy. All in all this has been a really different, kind of suspenseful piece, I like that very much.
It was was an easy read for the fact that the lines weren't stuffed with just too much, I do agree with what billy pointed out about the word "paths" being repeated.
"To find a path"-- I would probably just cross that line out altogether, it seems redundant to me or just extra.
"A path framed by fields of silver wheat" -- I can see the image and it will be memorable, I like how creative that is and wonder why you chose "silver wheat."
The last line, I don't think it's over the top, I just don't think it fits with the poem, I could be slow but the last line just confused me.
I like the opening it is very catchy. All in all this has been a really different, kind of suspenseful piece, I like that very much.