07-11-2012, 05:11 PM
I'd love to see what direction you take this with a rewrite 
. From what I could see (in the original and the snippet you posted) you tend to fall in love with single phrases. This is good, but focus also on how they thread together and run into one another .... less putting the puzzle pieces together and more weaving the story.
. From what I could see (in the original and the snippet you posted) you tend to fall in love with single phrases. This is good, but focus also on how they thread together and run into one another .... less putting the puzzle pieces together and more weaving the story.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?