daylight

[billy]

v. 3

thanks to todd and ray (with support from addy!)



The husk of Sunday morning comes
with ripened hours of daylight
to pluck and press. Our shadows run takes some working out, but a good solid line.
down wooden stairs like broken kites
in leaden air, and break into it the line break feels a little forced

the unlocked car. The doors are closed,
the motor starts, and we are soothed
by avenues of twilit road
as sun matures to tarnished wine, this is an improvement.

baptizing us in drops of gold.
We drink the day, but cannot find
a way to lift a waning hold hold feels forced, if you did the 1st line as;
baptizing us in drops so bold.
the 3rd could be something like;
a way to lift the waning gold just an idea for you to mull on

on treasure set to burn by dusk
as sunshine leaves

the sky to rust.

i do like the extended wine metaphor and i'd say it's almost there.