06-27-2012, 07:57 PM
Hello Geoff.
I liked this very much, has a great rhythm, mostly.
I felt that the 2nd line should have something after daylight - maybe "hung"?
I'd suggest - the door is closed, the motor starts - for the loose rhyme with car.
These lines are the weakest, I think.
by miles passed and passing road
as sun ages to tarnished wine,
passed and passing are a bit dull and I'd prefer "sun matures".
On the other hand I thought the last 5 lines were terrific, though I don't think you need a comma after treasure.
Best Wishes, Ray
I liked this very much, has a great rhythm, mostly.
I felt that the 2nd line should have something after daylight - maybe "hung"?
I'd suggest - the door is closed, the motor starts - for the loose rhyme with car.
These lines are the weakest, I think.
by miles passed and passing road
as sun ages to tarnished wine,
passed and passing are a bit dull and I'd prefer "sun matures".
On the other hand I thought the last 5 lines were terrific, though I don't think you need a comma after treasure.
Best Wishes, Ray
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.