06-27-2012, 10:15 AM
hello! it's great to see you posting
I like the details you engage in here; there is a great attention to detail that may just be one of your strengths. for example, i'm looking at the details of the flashback in stanza 3, and the bottom drawer bit to close. those are things you will want to enhance and continue
right now, i think the poem could be condensed a bit; there is a lot of extra wording and lines that give the poem a bit of unnecessary weight. trying to keep the poem to a set meter will strengthen the lines (though take some slaving over to get the wording right and the words to fit); it will make the rhymes stronger, as you won't be ending a line at any ole time you want.
you're off to a good start
I like the details you engage in here; there is a great attention to detail that may just be one of your strengths. for example, i'm looking at the details of the flashback in stanza 3, and the bottom drawer bit to close. those are things you will want to enhance and continue
right now, i think the poem could be condensed a bit; there is a lot of extra wording and lines that give the poem a bit of unnecessary weight. trying to keep the poem to a set meter will strengthen the lines (though take some slaving over to get the wording right and the words to fit); it will make the rhymes stronger, as you won't be ending a line at any ole time you want.
you're off to a good start
Written only for you to consider.