06-27-2012, 03:43 AM
Hi Geoff,
Well, I love the rhyme throughout, and you have some really cool phrasing (the poem sounds good). A couple things to point out:
L1: If you are going to title it Sunday does the word here add anything?
L2: Stronger image to ground this perhaps. The phrasing isn't bad but I think you could come up with something better.
L4: I hesitate to suggest things that mess up your rhyme but here goes: I think inverting the line "down the flight and away from bed" would be more interesting. You'd have to deal with the rhyme of course.
L6: The line feels a bit awkward to me between ...the car. We close (could just be me).
L9: Pretty line
L10: Ensnaring doesn't seem like the right word to go with the L9 imagery. Some kind of marking, covering, etc...ensnare just seems not quite right.
L13-15: Really nice. I love the final two lines. Solid ending
Well, I hope some of that was useful. Thanks for the read.
Best,
Todd
Well, I love the rhyme throughout, and you have some really cool phrasing (the poem sounds good). A couple things to point out:
L1: If you are going to title it Sunday does the word here add anything?
L2: Stronger image to ground this perhaps. The phrasing isn't bad but I think you could come up with something better.
L4: I hesitate to suggest things that mess up your rhyme but here goes: I think inverting the line "down the flight and away from bed" would be more interesting. You'd have to deal with the rhyme of course.
L6: The line feels a bit awkward to me between ...the car. We close (could just be me).
L9: Pretty line
L10: Ensnaring doesn't seem like the right word to go with the L9 imagery. Some kind of marking, covering, etc...ensnare just seems not quite right.
L13-15: Really nice. I love the final two lines. Solid ending
Well, I hope some of that was useful. Thanks for the read.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson