06-22-2012, 02:13 AM
Overall the poem is touching and captures the moment. It has a lot of understated emotion but is not overwrought or overdone. I like POV, it creates a nice balance when dealing with an intense subject.
The best part is when you describe the car coming down the street.
I think you could be a little more inventive with the imagery and it might be nice to start with the particulars and then branch out to the universal. "A single tear falls through the ages of time and dust" seems like starting with the conclusion, it might be a more effective line if it came later.
The best part is when you describe the car coming down the street.
I think you could be a little more inventive with the imagery and it might be nice to start with the particulars and then branch out to the universal. "A single tear falls through the ages of time and dust" seems like starting with the conclusion, it might be a more effective line if it came later.