Second Poem

[Philatone]

hello gem! a light line-by for you

We laid out at Parc des Buttes Chaumonts
for the 30° Celsius afternoon to lick our perspiration dry
after that subway ride from Notre Dame de Lorette was so sloppy-hot!..."lick" and "sloppy-hot" add a great sense of the ordinary to something that would appear to be more 'cultured'
William's navy blue-beautiful army coat contributed the only bulk
his French body could imagine while my skinny jeans sank way too tight into American me. ..."into american me" is great! the bit about the army coat was a little heavy and clunky (army coat...could imagine)
Snacking on Bing cherries, chewing through the now familiar Parisian cloud of nicotine,
the scene was of contentment on the hill and we approached each moment ..til now, there has been little action. and it is getting increasingly broad (e.g., "scene of contentment")
so that the fatty liver paste and bottled water were happily our own.
In the states, a picnic of tiny strawberries and scrawny men
like this would deceive our citizenry conditioned for
portions of macho and sweets in extra large.
But next to my body, bloody with sweat, William taught me the lessons about
rich flavors and delicate moments and sexy men;
he didn't say a word. ...nice
So much I learned from my French-Irish-Catholic William O'Rorke,
boyfriend of the week!
For sometimes, I even fooled-hoped myself into thinking
that I could find his twin brother at the local Milwaukee prep school when I got home.
Jibberish is all that fooling self-hopes are, something like
the type of nothing you talk about between the French-English language barrier.

some good lines and elements in here. at times, the lines were a tad long, though I realize for the form it may be just fine (prose poetry isn't my strong suit). it just led to interesting line breaks I wasn't always fond of. the piece is missing an action to really cling to, which makes it in danger of being forgotten I think. it's a speaker's reflection on a day at the park; i have developed little to no connection to the speaker. it's a nice, pleasant read, but I'm left with little afterwards.