06-15-2012, 09:30 AM
The only line that was problematic for me was
'something like
the type of nothing you talk about between the French-English language barrier."
That didn't really make much sense to me, maybe I am just being dense.
Also "But next to my body, bloody with sweat" doesn't really describe much of anything that I can see.
I guess you already corrected some of the things Billy notes as I did not see them.
This is well written, I'm just not sure of the purpose, as this is a well worn motif and this really doesn't seem to take it any further than movies done on the same subject from 50+ years ago.
Strictly in terms of just the writing I would give it an A in a college English class, but in terms of originality it seems lacking.
In terms of prose versus poetry, although this is smoothly written written, it is lacking any rhythmic pattern I would associate with poetry, nor does the lineation make much sense in terms of poetical breaks, and although it makes use of some poetic tropes, most good prose does so. As such this would make more sense as a part of a short story, rather than couch it in terms of poetry. Nothing wrong with that. Good prose of this nature is just as demanding as poetry.
Dale
'something like
the type of nothing you talk about between the French-English language barrier."
That didn't really make much sense to me, maybe I am just being dense.
Also "But next to my body, bloody with sweat" doesn't really describe much of anything that I can see.
I guess you already corrected some of the things Billy notes as I did not see them.
This is well written, I'm just not sure of the purpose, as this is a well worn motif and this really doesn't seem to take it any further than movies done on the same subject from 50+ years ago.
Strictly in terms of just the writing I would give it an A in a college English class, but in terms of originality it seems lacking.
In terms of prose versus poetry, although this is smoothly written written, it is lacking any rhythmic pattern I would associate with poetry, nor does the lineation make much sense in terms of poetical breaks, and although it makes use of some poetic tropes, most good prose does so. As such this would make more sense as a part of a short story, rather than couch it in terms of poetry. Nothing wrong with that. Good prose of this nature is just as demanding as poetry.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.