A Deeper Cut

[tectak]

A Deeper Cut

At the end of her road of self-absorption
was a yellow-brown mineral stained bathtub
overflowing with a mixture
of warm water and hot blood. Opening lines are diminutive in a matter-of-fact way. This sets the scene. Not quite a police forensic report, but emotionless. Any surprises later will be because these opening lines seem very deliberate in their tone. Nothing wrong with that.
Located in a drug infested shooting gallery This next grouping continues the reportage; abandonment of sentence structure may be just permissable in a notebook but the dangling word "Located" irritates me. I want "Located in a drug infested.........blah...blahhh, THE bathtub..." see what I mean?
of a Tom Burdettless Motel 6
on the north bound feeder road
of I-H35 in south Austin:
one block from the new Luby’s
where the blue hairs were lining up
for the blue plate special.Though some would say local knowledge required to understand these lines, I do not. I quite like the texture of familiarity in a written piece, even if it is only familiar to the writer. It kind of draws the reader in to a cosy trust

Serving time had just begun
on that Thursday morning at 10:51. This line fine, next line not fine. The use of this vernacular technique, almost a damning by faint praise, does not sit well. It is cynical and sarcastic in equal but small measures and though it says what you mean it to say, it is not you saying it!
Although not incredibly bright, Try "Though intellect was not her ally," or somesuch. This puts the observation back in to "factuality" rather than in to opinion....yours
she had finally figured out
that you had to slice deep, Watch out for "you had to" because 7 lines down it is "she had to" again. What's wrong with "she had to slice deep" here?
just like the server at Luby’s,
was doing to the roast beef. Excellent. Well grounded metaphor that begins itself, lives on its merit, and ends itself. I like the whole encapsulement precisely because it is a like for like comparison. Not really sure it is a metaphor....it is far to accurate.
She had to carve deeply downward Danger of repetition here, in the methodology if not the semantics. "You (she) had to slice deep" above then "She had to carve deeply downward". In fact, I think it is the deep and deeply I don't like. There are hundreds of alternatives to "deeply" which would impart a sense of clinical horror.....from the most simplistic "steeply", hardly an improvement, to the more descriptive "intently". Just a suggestion.
from elbow to wrist right along her
much abused leathery veins
if she wanted to fill the tub
before the EMT’s
got there to patch her up. Yes to this as a knowledgeable technique to more certainly claim death than by the haphazard "wrist-slitting" method, but I still think that you are guilty of inadmissable surmise here. Inadmissable in that you are reading the thoughts of your character BUT putting your own slant, and a cynical slant at that, on to a tragic and serious situation by imputing that "she wanted to fill the tub", and this was her raison n'etre pas (excuse translation...but you get the point). Do you expect me to fill this tub? No, Mr. Bond....I expect you to die.

This time…she went willfully deep into the arm. Aha! I was right. Another word to describe the deepness. Is that a word? Comma after arm to complete a sentence with the next line
It was a lot harder than it seemed it should be. A bit clonking , this. I think that "it seemed" implies some knowledge a priori. It is the clash of "it seemed" and "it should" in the same sentence that is wrong. Perhaps "she hoped" or "she imagined" or "she figured" (to keep our american cousins on track) would work to an advantage
The skin and flesh not so much slicing as ripping. Small t on the
But the sound,
that was what was so surprising: Full stop here. You will see why in a line or two
that strange sucking tearing sound. "A strange, sucking, tearing sound
(that) reminded(ded or ding) her of when she gave birth... " Parataxis rules. OK
It reminded her of when she gave birth
to her only child: Excellent imagery in all its aspects. I can even SMELL the scene
a precocious green eyed daughter, perhaps pre-precocious? Surely not precocious at birth....but at sixteen. Rearrange.
now sixteen,
who did not yet know that in a few hours
she would be making arrangements
for the final physical remnant of a wasted life.
When the call did come,
green eyes would not be upset.
Mother and daughter had not lived together
for the past three years.
Green eyes had distanced herself from It, You sly old dog!!! I nearly fell for It
had moved on from It,
didn’t have the energy for It,
she no longer cared about It. drop "she" for me, please; in this line, in this list, in this sentence.
She thought the same thoughts as everyone
when they heard the news:

“Why did it take you so long?”

It was never questioned. You are now pushing "it"
It was going to happen.
Too many dress rehearsals
to not finally put on the show.I don't think "finally" is necessary. In fact, it is better read without it.
The tickets had all been bought,
and paid for several times over
years and years and years ago.

The last good rehearsal she had
was when she OD’ed,
snowballing heroin and coke.
She ended up in the ER,
charcoal shoved most ungently down her throat. ungently.....Ilike this use
Certainly not the most dramatic time by far.
There had not been anything left to burn
for a very long time. Not clear on the last three lines. Oh, I know charcoal burns and all that, but we are talking in a different room. This is medical. Fuller's earth, charcoal absorption etc. Physical not chemical. Not burning...why burning? Help.

Nobody was playing her game anymore.
Except for those equally whacked out members
of her sexual abuse support group:
it had been second verse same as the first
for so long that everyone knew the tune,
front to back, and back to front,
it was Mary had a Little Lamb,
sung again and again, ad nauseam.
It had not been an interesting jingle to start.
(If you plan on keeping the crowd interested
you got to have some new material
every now and again.
A raised fifth on the same tired old theme
won’t get anybody going.) Now this is all very interesting stuff but the germanity has gone. You are off on one of your favourite rides....the Cerebral Carousel. I am not going to crit the rest of this stanza unless you punctuate it it away from the synaptical rant it has become
So the thousands of wasted dollars
on home security devices
to keep out the non-existent
cult members had less affect
on her audience
than an unscheduled timpani roll
drowning out the oboe solo
in the last movement of a Berlioz symphony.

The feeble pathetic torso-joined-limbs
of the multi-tentacled “twice weekly support group”
that had only fantasy upon which to hang
their undersized hats of non-existent self-esteem,
were always up for game of
one-up-man-ship until
someone would get so fed up
with the one-ups
that they would one-up,
one final time.

The arrival of the too-late-this-timeOh.. you're back. Welcome. And what a fine day it is. Now you are going to behave, aren't you? Yes to the rest. Quite excellent
EMT would bare witness
to her testament
of self-absorption.
Signed in cheap red ink
soaking into the dirty porous grout
staining it that unmistakable dark color
that can’t be bleached out:
waiting until the manager who collected
a mere twenty-six dollars
for the rent breaks down and
has it ripped out…………again.

© –Erthona

Well....I enjoyed that. Quite cathartic, really....with a bit of blood-letting tossed in for good measure. Truly commitment verse and you know I approve. Most of my comments, sadly, are those made to pull the piece into my way of thinking....and so are probably invalid in this forum. After
all, if we were all the same we could crit ourselves to bits in a box.
Yes to this, but sometimes I believe that we (all) get excited by the flow of blood to the head and begin to jerk off cerebrally. A calm edit and a Kleenex usually brings us back to our own normality.....I hope I am there for you Anyway, it was good for me...how was it for you?
Best,
tectak