06-13-2012, 08:14 AM
hi Karren,
I really related with the emotion or the goal of the poem. It's all about those feelings so many people have while dating. It's a continual (many times difficult) cylcle that some of us go to before we find our partner.
What you could do is consider the ways a partner would make you feel beautiful. Do they fix your flat tire, do they always answer on your first ring, do they buy you your favorite candle?
After you establish those images and we know what qualities you are looking for through the examples, the "Hey! Where are you going?" is very effective line because it creates a strong dividing point in the poem - in tone and in word, as it catches the reader off guard. We then understand you disappointment that this is not the person who can fulfill your aforementioned requests.
When you close, I would suggest using more examples to express the words you write.
Instead of "I can't dance your dance so you're leaving?" you could explore ways that a partner would leave while including the theme of dancing which is throughout the poem... It's also hard to believe that "the moment you leave me here" someone else will come. I know it is figurative, but you probably could express that in a different way to mean that someone else will take that journey with you in time.
Thank you for sharing!
I really related with the emotion or the goal of the poem. It's all about those feelings so many people have while dating. It's a continual (many times difficult) cylcle that some of us go to before we find our partner.
What you could do is consider the ways a partner would make you feel beautiful. Do they fix your flat tire, do they always answer on your first ring, do they buy you your favorite candle?
After you establish those images and we know what qualities you are looking for through the examples, the "Hey! Where are you going?" is very effective line because it creates a strong dividing point in the poem - in tone and in word, as it catches the reader off guard. We then understand you disappointment that this is not the person who can fulfill your aforementioned requests.
When you close, I would suggest using more examples to express the words you write.
Instead of "I can't dance your dance so you're leaving?" you could explore ways that a partner would leave while including the theme of dancing which is throughout the poem... It's also hard to believe that "the moment you leave me here" someone else will come. I know it is figurative, but you probably could express that in a different way to mean that someone else will take that journey with you in time.
Thank you for sharing!