Generations

[addy]

Agree, i like how the beginning shaped up in this edit . Any comments below are very minor and just a matter of taste

Version 2
We are split you see, more than generationally,
but man from man, not just son from father, For me it reads better as "Not just son from father// mother from daughter, but man from man," but that's just imo
or mother from daughter; although we are peas
shelled from the same great pod,
and yet we find difference,
and blinded by Just a tiny nit; maybe "blinded by" isn't necessary, just "and with arrogance..." could work. Only because finding (difference) and being blinded contradict as actions arrogance judge it as a sure defense
in wanton acts of cultural and actual genocide
we think our holiness the same as God.
Still, only human feet have here trod, How about "Though" instead of "still"?
grinding our kind to bone and blood,
the Profane in us as rampant as before the flood.

Though subtle, the hand of self-centeredness Still think this word is unwieldy, but overall it works is truly binding,
laying our soul’s winding on it’s loom
of greed and lust and thus we know nothing but a doom
that denies any pretense to unsullied innocence.

Soon my friends our life’s payment will come due,
in your eyes I see you know this too,
as bankrupt we stand on ever shifting quicksand,
our heads in hands -salt burnt tear blinded eyes-
yet it is only at our self pity do we cry,
as we’ve not the means, or knowledge to get by,
now that we find ourselves here, Hmm... now that I reread it this line seems almost unnecessary, as you already established we are currently standing "on ever shifting quicksand". But maybe I'm just reading it wrong
at the end of our life's year.

I hear you weakness try and justify, Don't understand this line??
"What else can we do when Armageddon comes but fly?
Does it matter how long or short the hour,
when we eventually succumb to a coward's
faint heart, whether slowly or quickly we die?”
So, will you not then stand with tightened jaw,
fist balled, and chest outthrust against the ravenous tide, I love how this is building up
miming the false bravery displayed in life, as you die?
And does it matter as it so easily rolls you under
and forgotten, your only purpose
used dirt to form another layer of sand, Something about the syntax of these past three lines confused me a little
where the next great group of fools
can blindly take their stand?


©2012 -Erthona