06-07-2012, 09:49 PM
Interesting stuff. The opening two lines lead me to expect an ABAB rhyme. Maybe if there were a break between lines 2 and 3?
This would sound more natural to me
I would talk to you of beauty
and no more spew out bile and spite.
I think the 2nd verse would be excellent but for the 3rd line where you've one too many "of" and I'd prefer a semi-colon after crown.
I would talk to you of beauty,
of seas aglow with nuclear blue.
Foamed irridescence, hyaline white,
"nuclear blue" is there such a thing? Anyhow, it disturbs the rhythm a little and the following line throws it overboard.
failed fixes by the fallen made. - the weakest line, it sounds very, very forced to me.
I like what you're saying at the very end. Maybe "whilst words, well-chosen, only might".
Nice poem. I like rhythm and rhyme and I can see the effort that's gone in.
This would sound more natural to me
I would talk to you of beauty
and no more spew out bile and spite.
I think the 2nd verse would be excellent but for the 3rd line where you've one too many "of" and I'd prefer a semi-colon after crown.
I would talk to you of beauty,
of seas aglow with nuclear blue.
Foamed irridescence, hyaline white,
"nuclear blue" is there such a thing? Anyhow, it disturbs the rhythm a little and the following line throws it overboard.
failed fixes by the fallen made. - the weakest line, it sounds very, very forced to me.
I like what you're saying at the very end. Maybe "whilst words, well-chosen, only might".
Nice poem. I like rhythm and rhyme and I can see the effort that's gone in.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.