05-30-2012, 10:08 PM
I prefer to pillage! Of course raping is not bad either, but afterwards you are bootyless! A Viking we shall go!
(What she wanted was a real man...he was just so, robotic!)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I will limit my comments to the first stanza since this is in mild! (oh screw, it's not even mild it's novice...oh well! I cut out half the comments I made, read what is left if you will. I make no claim to mildness, or sense at this point)
"Your blazing fire starts at the base of this barren tree
The clouded heat slowly rises charring my broken limbs
Seeping through my pores your scorching words turn my cells to ash"
The problem with this image/metaphor is that it is not consistent (goes from wood to biology:pores), and ultimately fails to say anything more than: you said mean words that hurt my feelings. I thought at first your were going to go somewhere with "barren" branches, but why introduce this concept if all you are going to do is, do away with it. You can do that without the whole tree thing.
Your words hurt me because they reveled my barrenness;
my words of creativity were only empty mouthings.
Personally, I think that the confusion later on is probably attributable to a lack of focus about what you are trying to say at the outset, and instead getting caught up in the flowery poetry speech.
I do think you worked hard on it (creating the images), and this is not to say you didn't, but I think there is a disconnect between the descriptions and what you are describing, causing it to come off as Romance novel as poetry, all fluff and no substance.
Dale
(What she wanted was a real man...he was just so, robotic!)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I will limit my comments to the first stanza since this is in mild! (oh screw, it's not even mild it's novice...oh well! I cut out half the comments I made, read what is left if you will. I make no claim to mildness, or sense at this point)
"Your blazing fire starts at the base of this barren tree
The clouded heat slowly rises charring my broken limbs
Seeping through my pores your scorching words turn my cells to ash"
The problem with this image/metaphor is that it is not consistent (goes from wood to biology:pores), and ultimately fails to say anything more than: you said mean words that hurt my feelings. I thought at first your were going to go somewhere with "barren" branches, but why introduce this concept if all you are going to do is, do away with it. You can do that without the whole tree thing.
Your words hurt me because they reveled my barrenness;
my words of creativity were only empty mouthings.
Personally, I think that the confusion later on is probably attributable to a lack of focus about what you are trying to say at the outset, and instead getting caught up in the flowery poetry speech.
I do think you worked hard on it (creating the images), and this is not to say you didn't, but I think there is a disconnect between the descriptions and what you are describing, causing it to come off as Romance novel as poetry, all fluff and no substance.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.