05-30-2012, 08:35 PM
Geoff,
Thanks for the comments. I agree with most, although I have no solution for some.
"My food’s always had, that killing effect,...may want to check punctuation in this stanza"
What? You don't like the comma?
Or is it the contraction?
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I don't like using ain't, but "isn't" is a syllable too long.
-------------------------------------------------------------
How about:
Still, my belly’s distended from starving too well,
from paying for heaven with too much hell,
but to me a tie makes you look like a whore,
and I already told them I don’t do that no more..
this stanza at one level this refers to selling out to materialism and getting fat on empty calories.
it is echoed further on by the idea of martyrdom in the lines
"This time I’ll not go, up to Cavalry’s Hill,
so when it repeats, it won't be me that they kill."
So the "should-er" is suppose to mean "should-ought to"
Probably should write it as "should-oughter"?,
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I could redo the first stanza thus, as it changes none of the meaning.
been waiting my whole life to finally get young,
hope I’m still here when it finally comes,
and hope that I am also new hung,
so I can sing of it with an unnoted tongue.
--------------------------------------------
Anyway, thanks for the thoughts.
dale
Thanks for the comments. I agree with most, although I have no solution for some.
"My food’s always had, that killing effect,...may want to check punctuation in this stanza"
What? You don't like the comma?
Or is it the contraction? ---------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't like using ain't, but "isn't" is a syllable too long.
-------------------------------------------------------------
How about:
Still, my belly’s distended from starving too well,
from paying for heaven with too much hell,
but to me a tie makes you look like a whore,
and I already told them I don’t do that no more..
this stanza at one level this refers to selling out to materialism and getting fat on empty calories.
it is echoed further on by the idea of martyrdom in the lines
"This time I’ll not go, up to Cavalry’s Hill,
so when it repeats, it won't be me that they kill."
So the "should-er" is suppose to mean "should-ought to"
Probably should write it as "should-oughter"?,
--------------------------------------
I could redo the first stanza thus, as it changes none of the meaning.
been waiting my whole life to finally get young,
hope I’m still here when it finally comes,
and hope that I am also new hung,
so I can sing of it with an unnoted tongue.
--------------------------------------------
Anyway, thanks for the thoughts.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.