05-30-2012, 12:38 PM
hello rorrick!
I think my biggest suggestions for this piece can be summarized like this:
many of the verbs used strike me as being a bit weak. rather than saying things like "start" and "try", why not describe what actually happens? these words steal energy and agency from actions, and in a charged piece like this, I don't think it serves your goal.
my second suggestion is that, while the piece has a number of great images (the contrast of the "avalanche" and "burning" is wonderful), the poem essentially struck me as ongoing description with little action occuring. it almost reads to me like a report. perhaps the progression feels too narrow and linear to me (first this happens, then this, then this).
again certainly there were elements I enjoyed. these were the things that struck me the most. thanks for the read; hope this helps
I think my biggest suggestions for this piece can be summarized like this:
many of the verbs used strike me as being a bit weak. rather than saying things like "start" and "try", why not describe what actually happens? these words steal energy and agency from actions, and in a charged piece like this, I don't think it serves your goal.
my second suggestion is that, while the piece has a number of great images (the contrast of the "avalanche" and "burning" is wonderful), the poem essentially struck me as ongoing description with little action occuring. it almost reads to me like a report. perhaps the progression feels too narrow and linear to me (first this happens, then this, then this).
again certainly there were elements I enjoyed. these were the things that struck me the most. thanks for the read; hope this helps
Written only for you to consider.