05-30-2012, 12:58 AM
I did some crit before I realized where this was. Sorry
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I thought at first this was an excerpt from virgin girls, but that is not the case.
I think the use of blue and gold does less than it should, as their connection (s) are left unfixed, except, as to the generic.
"The taste of her lips on my tongue
Though we’re yet to touch"
This seems a bit awkward, maybe
The taste of her lips on my tongue
Though we’ve yet to touch?
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"The tease only surpassed "
The use of tease seems to me to denigrate the idea of touch as something of the gods. I think something like anticipation would be more in line with what you are doing. Tease just brings it down into the realm of pole dancing.
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Ha! I can see the ad now:
Pole Dancer to the Gods
Stripper and pole dancer of the highest level needed. Must be comfortable working in an environment where there is no bouncer, and must be able to handle patrons herself. Must have excellent physical integrity and not prone to losing cohesion at a passing sight of a god. First and foremost, must be able to handle the big pole by herself!
Good pay. Excellent health benefits!
Dale
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I thought at first this was an excerpt from virgin girls, but that is not the case.
I think the use of blue and gold does less than it should, as their connection (s) are left unfixed, except, as to the generic.
"The taste of her lips on my tongue
Though we’re yet to touch"
This seems a bit awkward, maybe
The taste of her lips on my tongue
Though we’ve yet to touch?
------------------------------------------------------------
"The tease only surpassed "
The use of tease seems to me to denigrate the idea of touch as something of the gods. I think something like anticipation would be more in line with what you are doing. Tease just brings it down into the realm of pole dancing.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ha! I can see the ad now:
Pole Dancer to the Gods
Stripper and pole dancer of the highest level needed. Must be comfortable working in an environment where there is no bouncer, and must be able to handle patrons herself. Must have excellent physical integrity and not prone to losing cohesion at a passing sight of a god. First and foremost, must be able to handle the big pole by herself!
Good pay. Excellent health benefits!
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.