05-28-2012, 09:20 PM
Hi, good to see you posting. A couple comments:
You may want to consider starting with S4. It feels like a stronger opening and the "but you're not" plays well off the current S3.
The other thing to think about on rewrite would be to help the reader get below the surface a bit. We are told that there's hurt, resentment, lack of action, etc but without being brought in closer it lacks emotional power for anyone other than the writer. That's what I'd think about working on.
I like the look of the poem and the pace of it. I'd just like more emotional intensity--even if it's just the intensity of someone hollowed out.
Best,
Todd
You may want to consider starting with S4. It feels like a stronger opening and the "but you're not" plays well off the current S3.
The other thing to think about on rewrite would be to help the reader get below the surface a bit. We are told that there's hurt, resentment, lack of action, etc but without being brought in closer it lacks emotional power for anyone other than the writer. That's what I'd think about working on.
I like the look of the poem and the pace of it. I'd just like more emotional intensity--even if it's just the intensity of someone hollowed out.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson