Love Is Not Enough

[rorrick]

Ohhh, I am so going to love it here. This is exactly what I have been looking for. I can't wait to post my less literal pieces for critique. This site is going to make me strive to be a better poet. I suddenly feel inspired and excited again. Thank so much for the honest feedback.

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Nice to have you posting your stuff in the forums rorrick . This is a nice attempt... your artistic choice of formatting effectively projected a sparse kind of pain. One thing I have to say... perhaps 'losing you" is not the proper first line for this at all, since as the story unfolds we realize that the narrator in fact gave up his/her lover intentionally.

There are a few parts that I think you can spruce up with more imagery... there are some points where you end up with rather literal explanations of your feelings, in a manner that is acceptable to prose but isn't vibrant enough for poetry. For instance: "your words will never be enough to override your lack of actions"... override sounds so technical, and for me hurts the mood of the piece. Little changes like that, i think, would make a big difference

Thanks for the read

That makes so much sense. You are right...it's not losing someone...it's choosing to have them gone...wow! Eye opener.

You are right about being literal and of course the word override.

Thank you for pointing those out to me!

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first off, hi

one of the best things an aspiring poet can learn is how to say old things in a new way. much of what you say has been said in a similar or same way many times already. often we write this way because we've read it before (usually in a place where people say oooo that's bloody lovely)

another best thing an aspiring poet can do is try not to use phrases that tell us things. i hate how much i love you, i can see in your eyes. show the hate, show the love, show what the emotion is without just saying i (emotion of choice here) you. simile, metaphor, and analogy are your best friends. i hate you like fire hates water,. my hate is sticky marmite. my hate for you is Arctic permafrost.

i almost forgot. always edit

You, of course, are right...this is one of my more literal writes, because I just wrote from my heart, rather than from the art...but then, that is why we edit, I guess. I can't wait to see what else I can learn from here.

Thank you for the feed back!