A father dies.

[tectak]

hey tec!
I hope you can use some of this.

avoiding comments on the inverted structure used in some lines

Edit 1. mostly billy, but thanks, too, addy (S4 rewrite)

You found the rock that hurt you when you fell
and kicked it hard; revenge to ease your pain....you know, I think the "and kicked it hard" already conveys that sense of revenge. I didn't need to be told, I don't think
But how you cried, my little man,
with heaving breaths to me you ran, ...."heaving breaths" could be fresher; can you make it new?
in new felt fear and shocked disdain,
to beg a kiss, to make it well.

Your silver gun, the one you loved, you lost....really liked this line
You searched in boxes, beds and Poo-Bear Wood....I get the sentiment, but it struck me a bit odd to go from broad (boxes) to broad (beds) to specific (Poo-Bear Wood)
Your tears were welling when you told
of how you killed the bad guys. Bold
and steadfast, there before me stood,
a cowboy hero, double-crossed.

What was her name? I can’t recall it, but...the "it" felt a little extra. actually, the second half of the line is somewhat redundant of the first
you told her that you loved her just the same.
She left you, took your childish days
and made you tough, in many ways....what does that mean, "made you tough". you're avoiding explanations and jumping too far
You smiled; I knew you took the blame.
A tear, just one, to sting the cut....have reservations about the "just one"-again, redundant of the "a tear"

Now you have lived my life for me, my son....the "now" kind of kills the momentum of the stanza before it; really creates a break between the stanzas. I'm not sure if that is problem for the piece or not for you
Vicarious, I felt each loss, each win.
I ask no more, just look on me;
sight fades, but through your eyes I see
that love is holding fast within..could chop the "that". feels like extra weight
me, 'til my life is finished, done.

The rock that grazed, the silver gun, a toy;
the spring of love that dies in summer’s sun.
Young tears once shed run dry and hold,
To flow once more when we are old,
too frail to skip and slip and run,
Then death is peace, and tears are joy. ...strong close

Tectak 2002

Not really good enough for Serious crit but have at it to see what can be rescued....and it is from "real" life, indie!

I see what the piece is doing and I like the goal. however, there is practically no transition between the different episodes (the first three stanzas). it makes the read a bit jumpy; if that suits the goal of the piece, fair enough, but I want to be sure that it truly is a goal. I think the emotion is here, but it is burdened by some extra weight.

Hi Phil.
Thanks for all of this. This piece is wide open to crit because, well, parts of it are not good at all! Like most of the stuff I pin up it is a victim of its own purpose. The ABCCBA rhyme scheme is one I like because, not in spite of, a comment from Dale, following. He points out quite reasonably that the final line is a long way from the first in terms of rhyme; and the reason I like this structure is precisely because it LOOKS like free-verse but is actually a bugger to construct......and though this IS a problem for the reader....it is a great satisfaction for the writer!
Billy will hit on the syll. count and already has hit me on one, see edit 1, so that now I hope we are 10, 10, 8, 8, 8, 8. OK. OCD notwithstanding it is a bad idea. Contrivances slip in. I just can't help it.
On the content...I can only say that I agree with your comments but won't curl up and roll over immediately! The fact that you have all put forward such detailed crit is an encouragement to look again at the piece.
In my defence of one particular line, which has raised comments from the purists amongst us, I would argue that the disconnect between the search areas, (flower) beds,(toy) boxes and the (local name) wood was deliberate. It was infantile irrationality in action......and yes, it was me!
Everything else you commented on I will look hard at.
Thanks again,
tectak

---

Geoff did my work for me. In terms of the structure, if it is syllabic then it runs just fine, if metric then you are swapping out some trochee for some iambs, causing several inverted lines, I think Billy mentioned some of them. But it is not forced, it is out of meter:

I ask no more, just look on me; (this is straight iambic, unstressed/stressed)
though my eyes fade, you still can see (here it reverses and starts on a stressed syllable, and in fact the whole line can be read as trochee).

of course you correct this. what is forced is the first three lines of the last stanza, as they are only there to fill space until you come to the last three lines, everything else is just unneeded repetition. Of course calling it "filler" would be a more accurate characterization (I mean it only happened two stanzas ago, and already you are repeating it? My memory is bad, but not that bad!). It is the only major thing I see that obviously weakens the poem (aside from the structural, mentioned later). It makes it seem as though you have no respect for your reader to make him tea from an already once used teabag, as it taste a bit bitter. I also have a problem with the use of "slip" in the second to last line. It seems slip is exactly what one would do if he were frail.

Overall however, I like the sentiment, as it comes across as very intimate. It is of course well traveled ground, which probably explains the tendency to "slip" almost into cliche, and as Geoff points out, it could benefit from an injection of a little freshness at places.

And as was already pointed out "boxes, beds and Poo-Bear Wood."
which thing is not like the other two:a. boxes b. beds, and c.Poo-Bear Wood.
Actually I would drop the boxes and beds, and replace with "the castle, and hundred acre wood"

You'll have to figure out how to make it work. But if you are going to go with fancy, then make all conform, or stay with the mundane. But as this is about a little boy, one would expect imagination to be in full effect, and the mundane banished to grown-up land.

I think you did a skillful job of handling Billy's problem with who "you" is. It also makes the poem more affectionate and personal.

Oh yes, I wanted to comment on the form. It is clever, but it is also problematic with the line 1 and line six rhyme being so far apart, and there is nothing inherently in the structure that points the reader to linking the two lines together, especially as you have two lines of pentameter, followed by four lines of tetrameter, and as lines 2,3,4,and 5, follow a traditional ABBA rhyme pattern, so that the line 6 rhyme tended to get lost for me. I have no suggestion to offer, but I am not sure I would anyway, as it would involve a major effort and change the poem tremendously. But I do think you should be aware of the inherent weakness to this sort of form. In the future you may want to consider only changing the line length, and then keeping a rhyme scheme that reflects that, such as an AABCBC, so that you rhyme the two lines of pentameter, and then alternate the four of tetrameter. That way the structure is self reinforcing, and a strength, rather than non-reinforcing and a weakness you have to struggle against.

dale

Hi Dale,
Bang on as always with the technical tearing off of stripes! Almost yes to everything but see my responses to phil's crit (et al as it turns out).
I will give this a going over.
I was particularly taken with your last comment regarding the self reinforcing of AABCBC. I knew instinctively that there was a kind of negative feedback in ABCCBA but the bloody thing grew organically before I could stop it. I am acutely and cronically aware of this as a weakness in my longer pieces. I find it almost impossible to set out with one DELIBERATE scheme and stick to it. The words get in the way of the structure rather the the other way round, until some semblance of repeatable order takes over. Once embarked upon, the rigour imposed by the emergent form becomes compulsive!
And OK to the "filler" in the last stanza.....correct, but NOT deliberate. Frankly, the final lines just floated in to the slots and the thing was over before I had realised it.
Again, thanks to all on this one. It was contemporaneous in 2002, and unlikely to tell a different tale after all the edits are completed. I want to be true to this particular memory from ten years ago.
Best,
tectak