05-24-2012, 04:11 PM
Geoff did my work for me. In terms of the structure, if it is syllabic then it runs just fine, if metric then you are swapping out some trochee for some iambs, causing several inverted lines, I think Billy mentioned some of them. But it is not forced, it is out of meter:
I ask no more, just look on me; (this is straight iambic, unstressed/stressed)
though my eyes fade, you still can see (here it reverses and starts on a stressed syllable, and in fact the whole line can be read as trochee).
of course you correct this. what is forced is the first three lines of the last stanza, as they are only there to fill space until you come to the last three lines, everything else is just unneeded repetition. Of course calling it "filler" would be a more accurate characterization (I mean it only happened two stanzas ago, and already you are repeating it? My memory is bad, but not that bad!). It is the only major thing I see that obviously weakens the poem (aside from the structural, mentioned later). It makes it seem as though you have no respect for your reader to make him tea from an already once used teabag, as it taste a bit bitter. I also have a problem with the use of "slip" in the second to last line. It seems slip is exactly what one would do if he were frail.
Overall however, I like the sentiment, as it comes across as very intimate. It is of course well traveled ground, which probably explains the tendency to "slip" almost into cliche, and as Geoff points out, it could benefit from an injection of a little freshness at places.
And as was already pointed out "boxes, beds and Poo-Bear Wood."
which thing is not like the other two:a. boxes b. beds, and c.Poo-Bear Wood.
Actually I would drop the boxes and beds, and replace with "the castle, and hundred acre wood"
You'll have to figure out how to make it work. But if you are going to go with fancy, then make all conform, or stay with the mundane. But as this is about a little boy, one would expect imagination to be in full effect, and the mundane banished to grown-up land.
I think you did a skillful job of handling Billy's problem with who "you" is. It also makes the poem more affectionate and personal.
Oh yes, I wanted to comment on the form. It is clever, but it is also problematic with the line 1 and line six rhyme being so far apart, and there is nothing inherently in the structure that points the reader to linking the two lines together, especially as you have two lines of pentameter, followed by four lines of tetrameter, and as lines 2,3,4,and 5, follow a traditional ABBA rhyme pattern, so that the line 6 rhyme tended to get lost for me. I have no suggestion to offer, but I am not sure I would anyway, as it would involve a major effort and change the poem tremendously. But I do think you should be aware of the inherent weakness to this sort of form. In the future you may want to consider only changing the line length, and then keeping a rhyme scheme that reflects that, such as an AABCBC, so that you rhyme the two lines of pentameter, and then alternate the four of tetrameter. That way the structure is self reinforcing, and a strength, rather than non-reinforcing and a weakness you have to struggle against.
dale
I ask no more, just look on me; (this is straight iambic, unstressed/stressed)
though my eyes fade, you still can see (here it reverses and starts on a stressed syllable, and in fact the whole line can be read as trochee).
of course you correct this. what is forced is the first three lines of the last stanza, as they are only there to fill space until you come to the last three lines, everything else is just unneeded repetition. Of course calling it "filler" would be a more accurate characterization (I mean it only happened two stanzas ago, and already you are repeating it? My memory is bad, but not that bad!). It is the only major thing I see that obviously weakens the poem (aside from the structural, mentioned later). It makes it seem as though you have no respect for your reader to make him tea from an already once used teabag, as it taste a bit bitter. I also have a problem with the use of "slip" in the second to last line. It seems slip is exactly what one would do if he were frail.
Overall however, I like the sentiment, as it comes across as very intimate. It is of course well traveled ground, which probably explains the tendency to "slip" almost into cliche, and as Geoff points out, it could benefit from an injection of a little freshness at places.
And as was already pointed out "boxes, beds and Poo-Bear Wood."
which thing is not like the other two:a. boxes b. beds, and c.Poo-Bear Wood.
Actually I would drop the boxes and beds, and replace with "the castle, and hundred acre wood"
You'll have to figure out how to make it work. But if you are going to go with fancy, then make all conform, or stay with the mundane. But as this is about a little boy, one would expect imagination to be in full effect, and the mundane banished to grown-up land.
I think you did a skillful job of handling Billy's problem with who "you" is. It also makes the poem more affectionate and personal.
Oh yes, I wanted to comment on the form. It is clever, but it is also problematic with the line 1 and line six rhyme being so far apart, and there is nothing inherently in the structure that points the reader to linking the two lines together, especially as you have two lines of pentameter, followed by four lines of tetrameter, and as lines 2,3,4,and 5, follow a traditional ABBA rhyme pattern, so that the line 6 rhyme tended to get lost for me. I have no suggestion to offer, but I am not sure I would anyway, as it would involve a major effort and change the poem tremendously. But I do think you should be aware of the inherent weakness to this sort of form. In the future you may want to consider only changing the line length, and then keeping a rhyme scheme that reflects that, such as an AABCBC, so that you rhyme the two lines of pentameter, and then alternate the four of tetrameter. That way the structure is self reinforcing, and a strength, rather than non-reinforcing and a weakness you have to struggle against.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.