A father dies.

[billy]

i think it pops up to quick to 'you' etc. in your own words and wise ones they are, who is you? while we have son near the end, it's still goes on a while leaving us in the dark (but that's a really just a nit) in a type of poem that shouldn't leave us in the dark.

You found the rock that hurt you when you fell
and kicked it hard; revenge to ease your pain.
But how you cried, my little man,
with heaving breaths to me you ran,
in new felt fear and shocked disdain,
to beg a kiss, to make it well.

Your silver gun, the one you loved, you lost.
You searched in boxes, beds and Poo-Bear Wood.
Your tears were welling when you told
of how you killed the bad guys. Bold
and steadfast, there before me stood,
a cowboy hero, double-crossed.

What was her name? I can’t recall it, but
you told her that you loved her just the same.
She left you, took your childish days
and made you tough, in many ways.
You smiled; I knew you took the blame.
A tear, just one, to sting the cut.

Now you have lived my life for me, my son.
Vicariously, I felt each loss, each win. the meter feels off in this one instance
I ask no more, just look on me;
though my eyes fade, you still can see you still can see feels forced
that love is holding fast within
me, 'til my life is finished, done.

The rock that pains, the silver gun, a toy;
the spring of love that dies in summer’s sun,
young tears once shed run dry and hold,
To flow once more when we are old,
too frail to skip and slip and run,
Then death is peace, and tears are joy.

Tectak 2002

Not really good enough for Serious crit but have at it to see what can be rescued....and it is from "real" life, indie!

in an odd place it verges, verges mind; on cliche but do we care, i don't think we should. nostalgia is all about being cliche so the lines that are almost cliche work perfectly. there was a line that was forced and again it was a nit. lots of good images so i'll not pick out a best. i love this nostalgic type of poetry, the meter runs like a dream with one exception; which doesn't cause too much of a problem but i think it could be sorted to work better. it worked well for me, and i enjoyed the connection it set up within me.

thanks for the read.