05-21-2012, 11:00 PM
I
Corrected the haboob line( I thought everyone knew haboob!)
Corrected the Allah line. Indie please note. Ooops.
Khaymahs, not bloody Kayamm
It is a Bedouin tent! ( I thought everyone knew khaymah! Spelling is variable)
Abd just means "servant of".
I picked up all this desert crap in Morrocco a long time ago.......but how could I get Allah so wrong?
As always, a crushingly refreshing crit. Credited where due.
I knew I shoukd leave the obscure to others!
Best,
Tectak
(05-21-2012, 08:33 PM)Erthona Wrote: S2 L2 A colon after “Haboob” (also footnote meaning)Bugger and thanks for this.
S2 L3 Do you mean Muhammad? Allah is not a prophet, it is the Muslim name for God.
S3 L3 khayyam's? Regardless, needs an apostrophe to show possession.
S4 L3 “abd-sahara” (footnote meaning)
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I like the idea but a number of the lines seem almost senseless, such as "Blue-black and pricked still sky above". What does "pricked still" mean?
Maybe one needs familiarity with Omar Khayyám's poems for this to work, which I will admit to only a passing acquaintance with. However, some of it feels a little like name dropping such as using "Haboob" and "abd-sahara" especially as there is no meter constraint from using something like fierce dust storm, and "abd-sahara" I'm guessing has something to do with a green stone that has a similar name, other than that I have no clue what this refers to, or if it is even spelled correctly.
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For me there are just too many problems to read it through to begin to get a sense of it.
Dale
Corrected the haboob line( I thought everyone knew haboob!)
Corrected the Allah line. Indie please note. Ooops.
Khaymahs, not bloody Kayamm
It is a Bedouin tent! ( I thought everyone knew khaymah! Spelling is variable)Abd just means "servant of".
I picked up all this desert crap in Morrocco a long time ago.......but how could I get Allah so wrong?

As always, a crushingly refreshing crit. Credited where due.
I knew I shoukd leave the obscure to others!
Best,
Tectak

