(05-21-2012, 02:42 AM)Erthona Wrote: I put my days in boxes so they can do no harm,c'est la vie, doesn't quite suite but the concept is a great one.
the lids are held securely with tightly knotted yarn.
They are wedged quite snuggly and cannot move about,
gagged and muzzled well, so you’ll never hear them shout.
Just like good children, seldom seen and never heard,
so that when I’m lying in my grave, I will not be disturbed.
©2012 –Erthona
it does infer the 1st person has some pretty good secrets though. (don't we all)
the meter feels spot on, i say this because it flows from the mouth when spoke aloud. though may i suggest an 'all' before 'children' it sort of caught after 'like'
no nits really apart for the one. it's a good example of why rhyme still has a major role in poetry. the penultimate line rocks on cliché but another example of why a cliche shouldn't be dismissed out of hand, if it works well, as it does here, it works. the grammar also adds to the thing. something we as feedbackers (<---new word) seem to not mention (when it works well)
thanks for the read