05-21-2012, 10:01 AM
Nicely done. the first and last lines, in particular, are truly thoughtful and striking.
It gives the impression a rather lighthearted piece. The phrasing of the middle couplet, in particular, is a tad bit contrived. But I'm guessing this is a deliberate tonal choice on your part. Based on the theme it could've gone a heavier route but as the author you chose to keep it in cute rhyme territory, which is fair enough, and makes it a bit unique.
Thank you for the read
It gives the impression a rather lighthearted piece. The phrasing of the middle couplet, in particular, is a tad bit contrived. But I'm guessing this is a deliberate tonal choice on your part. Based on the theme it could've gone a heavier route but as the author you chose to keep it in cute rhyme territory, which is fair enough, and makes it a bit unique.
Thank you for the read
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?