Desert Song ( Of the Camel)

[Indie]

This sand is running in my veins, dry as the dust which gave me presence;
and yet to you it is but sand. stating the obvious, and using "sand" twice in two lines, along with dust. It's too much. A rephrase would work here
Look to the rise where the trains of camel appear and vanish in trembling haze,
sun mixed with wind mixed with me. I like the repetition here, if flows well

Listen and you will hear my song, my father's song and his before him; cliche, makes me lose interest. Rephrase
Haboob the breath that rasps the tune.
Sung are the words of Allah the Prophet, great his name in heavens above, this line doesn't work, too much information. Do we need to know Allah is a prophet, it is integral to the poem?
God mixed with sand mixed with me.

Feel now the warmth within this place, alive with heat that saves and succours;
but chilled the night to test the soul. This line left me confused
Thrown khaymahs sleep a thousand thinkers, all adrift on a thought-full sea,
thought mixed with dreams mixed with me.

Blue-black and pricked still sky above, yet in lashed eyes, grains fall and leap. Confusing. Rephrase for clarity
No wind; yet flows the sand to me.
So here I lie, eyes of the desert, abd-sahara and servant of man
Beast mixed with man mixed with me.


tectak
2008

I like the story of this poem, how it mingles with history and self, just needs some tightening.

Indie