The Lion Speaks Tonight

[tectak]

hey tec! I hope this finds you well

In my teeth there lingers taste and craving drools the hidden trail...this was a line that sounded better than its actual meaning for me. I guess I could see the first half of the line working if the speaker ate not long ago. "Craving drools the hidden trail" was a bit harder for me to reason
Come close and softly follow me....I think the "softly" is interesting
The night is closer than you know, breathe deep my brothers; eye my tail..."closer" comes right after the "close" of the line before. may want a comma before "my"
in twilight wisdom leading thee....should "twilight" be "twilit"? the "thee" felt outdated for what preceded it

...I feel as though my comments were nitpicky, but they were general questions I had while reading. take what you will, I may be overdoing the critique. I think you do a good job of creating an atmosphere to this point

Hush now, hush now! The scents of life are tempting but… kill your speed, ....the use of "kill" is good here. I don't think the ellipsis is necessary. Also, I felt as though the repetition of just "Hush" would be stronger than "hush now, hush now"
Come close and slowly stalk with me.
The eyes of many, ears of all, this way we brothers will succeed.
Be still now, look and you will see.

There, in olive-tangled shade, an outline shivers in my eye;
Come close and look to where I stare.
Make not a whimper, not a sound, not a breath nor yet a sigh!
Hold still as death, for death prepare....great line, though a part of me believed the punctuation could be different. I'll leave it to you

Can you hear the heart within? And can you feel the slide of breath?..."slide" is a great word choice
Come closer in your wild mind’s eye
Wait for my sign, a change unseen, yet you will know the call to death...."death" loses some of its impact; it already appeared twice a stanza before
Ready now…together…FLY! ..didn't feel the style of this line much, but that is personal preference

In my teeth the warm blood surging, washes through my craving ache...recalls the opening for the close
Close enough, no closer be!
Though brothers still, beware of me. In passion bonds of siblings break ..maybe a comma after "passion"?
And throneless Kings come we…..

...I feel as though the closing lines add a new component to the piece (tones of betrayal?) that is dropped as soon as it is raised. I never noticed any of its tones previously, so to have them suggested suddenly and not mentioned further was a little frustrating. In fact, the poem has almost the opposite happening the entire time, with the speaker's addressees apparently following his orders with silent obedience

Tectak

2006

Hi

a pleasant read; i hope some of this may be helfpul

Hi phil.
Thanks as always
I will be taking on board most of the comments on punctuation and will attempt to explain away the rest!
First if all, I tried to think like a young male lion, hunting as a pack (not a pride) at night as brothers do. The "hidden trail" is the scent trail of the quarry....as the group follow it they drool! I explained in another place that the limitations imposed by trying to write as though another species meant that basic emotional thinking was needed. I failed to get this principal established.
The idea that lions "think" in different terms was paramount. Hence the teeth/crave/blood/taste references.
The final line indicates the demonstratable sudden change intemprament when brotherstryto establish eating rights!
Best,
Tectak. Gotta go.....dog pestering me for morning pee!