05-11-2012, 09:38 AM
This comes right in the end, but there are a few tripping things along the way. Seems almost a summery of Candide.
this description doesn't seem to do much
bone-bare shinned
I don't know what shinned means outside of I shinned my ankle.
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Sorry, but I don't really get this who phrase, or what it is trying to describe or imply.
Her eyes were not aligned to see the sun.
Too bright for life, she shunned its glare
as if the truth of light was just too sure for her.
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I get the idea with this, but it seems a bit awkward.
so time becomes a useless, child-play toy
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This is a good line
She lives for one but dies for two
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This is a good line
meant to indicate that love, somewhere, is there
but wasted on the wasted.
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The last line seems a bit over the top and cliche.
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It seems that instead of arising organically, this was more contrived. There is nothing wrong with something being contrived, but I think there is something wrong when it appears that way to the reader.
Dale
this description doesn't seem to do much
bone-bare shinned
I don't know what shinned means outside of I shinned my ankle.
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Sorry, but I don't really get this who phrase, or what it is trying to describe or imply.
Her eyes were not aligned to see the sun.
Too bright for life, she shunned its glare
as if the truth of light was just too sure for her.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I get the idea with this, but it seems a bit awkward.
so time becomes a useless, child-play toy
------------------------------------------------------
This is a good line
She lives for one but dies for two
------------------------------------------------------
This is a good line
meant to indicate that love, somewhere, is there
but wasted on the wasted.
------------------------------------------------------
The last line seems a bit over the top and cliche.
------------------------------------------------------
It seems that instead of arising organically, this was more contrived. There is nothing wrong with something being contrived, but I think there is something wrong when it appears that way to the reader.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.