05-08-2012, 10:50 AM
Great edit indie, and it's good that you feel good about it. Hacking away at your work could be a pretty okay experience and its sometimes even cathartic 
Agree that it would be nice of you to keep the part about being unable to look at each other. Maybe not in the exact words you've written at the moment, since your judgment call is probably correct that it's too awkward. But the sentiment, at least, might be worth keeping--- the fact that they won't (or can't) look at each other is loaded with dramatic significance: pain, shame, love, resentment, numbness, and it adds to the "blind, close, helpless" vibe in the piece. That aside (and anyway that is just a nit), I think you did an awesome job
Agree that it would be nice of you to keep the part about being unable to look at each other. Maybe not in the exact words you've written at the moment, since your judgment call is probably correct that it's too awkward. But the sentiment, at least, might be worth keeping--- the fact that they won't (or can't) look at each other is loaded with dramatic significance: pain, shame, love, resentment, numbness, and it adds to the "blind, close, helpless" vibe in the piece. That aside (and anyway that is just a nit), I think you did an awesome job
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?