05-08-2012, 07:44 AM
I guess this got buried before I saw it.
After you take the jar
and remove it from the freezer,
Why is this so complex/wordy?
"After you remove the jar from the freezer"
-or-
"After you remove the jar containing
the wasp nest from the freezer"
------------------------------------
the nest thaws
and yellowjackets, (no comma)
frozen in paper cells, (no comma)
wake as prisoners.
---------------------------------
"a strand of rope
nets their carapace,"
I also have no idea of what this is referring to.
------------------------------------
"a strand of rope
nets their carapace,
golden bands soon flying
like stripes on a torn flag
slow to be lowered
after capture."
OK, I get the "flag of the enemy is slow to be taken down by the victor", but I don't see how this image fits wasp. I think maybe you have mixed your metaphor with the reality, that is mistaken one for the other. Somehow the roped carapace is "golden bands" and golden bands = stripes of a torn flag, but wasps in reality are not golden bands, so you have a metaphor of a metaphor since "golden bands" is a metaphor for wasp, and then "stripes on a torn flag" is a metaphor for "golden bands". On top of this, the "rope" is itself a metaphor of something, because rope would obviously be too large for what you purpose. That gives you a free floating metaphor to go with the rest.
I have read through all of the versions, as well as all of the comments, and can see no place where it was clear what you meant, but then somehow cut that part leaving confusion (this sometimes happens). Here seems the largest clue,
some people are allergic; and bring string
to tie around their bodies.
I am assuming you mean the wasps' bodies? Still, while this may work with locust, I cannot see it happening with wasp, who are still buried in the hive.
"frozen in paper cells"
You would need to be a surgeon to preform this operation.
Regardless, if this is the connection to the "rope" idea, it seems to be well and truly lost, and in fact didn't really hold up to begin with. But in the current version, it is as though you got fascinated with this flag metaphor and forget to connect it in someway to the reality of the wasp.
Dale
After you take the jar
and remove it from the freezer,
Why is this so complex/wordy?
"After you remove the jar from the freezer"
-or-
"After you remove the jar containing
the wasp nest from the freezer"
------------------------------------
the nest thaws
and yellowjackets, (no comma)
frozen in paper cells, (no comma)
wake as prisoners.
---------------------------------
"a strand of rope
nets their carapace,"
I also have no idea of what this is referring to.
------------------------------------
"a strand of rope
nets their carapace,
golden bands soon flying
like stripes on a torn flag
slow to be lowered
after capture."
OK, I get the "flag of the enemy is slow to be taken down by the victor", but I don't see how this image fits wasp. I think maybe you have mixed your metaphor with the reality, that is mistaken one for the other. Somehow the roped carapace is "golden bands" and golden bands = stripes of a torn flag, but wasps in reality are not golden bands, so you have a metaphor of a metaphor since "golden bands" is a metaphor for wasp, and then "stripes on a torn flag" is a metaphor for "golden bands". On top of this, the "rope" is itself a metaphor of something, because rope would obviously be too large for what you purpose. That gives you a free floating metaphor to go with the rest.
I have read through all of the versions, as well as all of the comments, and can see no place where it was clear what you meant, but then somehow cut that part leaving confusion (this sometimes happens). Here seems the largest clue,
some people are allergic; and bring string
to tie around their bodies.
I am assuming you mean the wasps' bodies? Still, while this may work with locust, I cannot see it happening with wasp, who are still buried in the hive.
"frozen in paper cells"
You would need to be a surgeon to preform this operation.
Regardless, if this is the connection to the "rope" idea, it seems to be well and truly lost, and in fact didn't really hold up to begin with. But in the current version, it is as though you got fascinated with this flag metaphor and forget to connect it in someway to the reality of the wasp.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.