Pavement

[addy]

I get that you meant this to read as very staccato, where disjointed elements weave into coherent narrative much like the brain would assemble a dream (or, I'm guessing here, like when you're drunk). But since it relies so strongly on those individual elements of imagery to strongly speak for themselves, you can't be lazy with them; unfortunately in a few points the lines do get a bit unimaginative, and thus struggle to capture important emotional beats that the poem should be leading us through. There are points where the imagery feels bereft of any dramatic significance (you're mentioning them, but why? there must be a deeper narrative reason, rather than just a way to pad the poem with pictures), and as a result even though I think I know what's going on, a lot of the time I didn't feel privy enough to what was going on. The individual elements didn't "gel" enough into a theme, and it became a barrier to me as a reader


SO, IN SUM; don't put lines/images for the sake of putting them. Choose your snippets as strategically as a director would choose his "shots" (what to focus on, how long, etc), in the service of weaving what should be hidden drama into something instinctively apparent to the viewer/ reader. Speaking of drama... I think your penultimate line makes for a more striking close imo