04-24-2012, 04:36 PM
(04-15-2012, 03:08 AM)Chaotic Body Wrote: v2.0
White with red line, strip, stumbles
Lipstick, glass, of a face turned away
Gritty, dirty surface of the pavement, gravel, you !
Collapses together, red handbag and shoulders and glasses and pavement
Amber cast,
Many door-slams and stiletto-trots and screams, serve distant ambience
Amber hued door and bonnet, car spotlit on a stage casting Pavement
Inside lies solace, detachment: door a gateway to
Nasal lens-tinting; a new world of actions done here.
White with black line, dress
A pretty face queuing on Pavement
Shoulders brush bony male shoulders, two cast together in a play
Docile, shuffles along, shoved, laughs hurled
(end)
v1.0 Original
White with red line, strip
Lipstick, glass, of a face turned away
Gritty, dirty, MEAN surface of the pavement, gravel, you !
Collapses together, red handbag and shoulders and glasses and pavement
Poor lamb.
Amber cast
Door slams and stiletto trots and screams, serves distant ambience
Amber hued door and bonnet, car spotlighted, a stage casting Pavement
Inside lies solace, detachment; door a gateway to
Nasal lens-tinting; a new world of actions done here.
White with black line, dress
A pretty face, queuing on Pavement
Shoulders met with bony male shoulders, cast together in a play
Docile, shuffles along, shoved, laughs thrown
Poor lamb.
(end)
(04-15-2012, 03:08 AM)Chaotic Body Wrote: v2.0I was going to leave this alone because I was irritated by its presumption: why on earth would you think that anyone would wish to read it? I realised quite quickly that there were two answers to my dilema and one answer merited a response. Please no not think the comments following are harsh...erthona (and probably his chiropodist) said that all criticism is opinion. Never a truer word.
White with red line, strip, stumbles
Lipstick, glass, of a face turned away
Gritty, dirty surface of the pavement, gravel, you !
Collapses together, red handbag and shoulders and glasses and pavement
Amber cast,
Many door-slams and stiletto-trots and screams, serve distant ambience
Amber hued door and bonnet, car spotlit on a stage casting Pavement
Inside lies solace, detachment: door a gateway to
Nasal lens-tinting; a new world of actions done here.
White with black line, dress
A pretty face queuing on Pavement
Shoulders brush bony male shoulders, two cast together in a play
Docile, shuffles along, shoved, laughs hurled
(end)
v1.0 Original
White with red line, strip
Lipstick, glass, of a face turned away
Gritty, dirty, MEAN surface of the pavement, gravel, you !
Collapses together, red handbag and shoulders and glasses and pavement
Poor lamb.
Amber cast
Door slams and stiletto trots and screams, serves distant ambience
Amber hued door and bonnet, car spotlighted, a stage casting Pavement
Inside lies solace, detachment; door a gateway to
Nasal lens-tinting; a new world of actions done here.
White with black line, dress
A pretty face, queuing on Pavement
Shoulders met with bony male shoulders, cast together in a play
Docile, shuffles along, shoved, laughs thrown
Poor lamb.
(end)
I believe that you geninely cannot see that this piece is lacking in merit. You have metaphorically used the old horse and cart to transport a rag-tag bundle of second-hand thoughts from one place to another in the hopes that someone will make you a job-lot offer on the way. You must put something NEW up for sale.......and you DO have a supplier somewhere inside that cerebral warehouse of yours.
To absolve myself of anal pomp I can only say that I am humbled by your tenacity and resolve. If there is any point in technical criticism of this work I am afraid it is outside my ability. I listened to the spoiler track which "inspired" this piece. I think you should know that this is not "adult" language but genre-talk for a young audience.....valid in its own front room but only until Tracy calls you round to her house to listen to the next great thing
This child-like desire of yours to shock your reader by threatening to put a dozen dildos on the top of the pile is just an infantile attempt to see how far you can push the parents. Please, try some other genre because you are wasting a refreshingly open attitude to poetry in pursuit of that particular aim.
Oh, my other answer? Well, it is remotely possible that you think that this is good poetry. I am no judge of goodness, only of preference. Others will be able to direct you to that pinnacle of perfection which you perhaps seek.
Do not try harder...try different.
Best,
Tectak