Coffee at lunch

[tectak]

v2.0 (made some clarity changes, ending dropped because it sounded too assuming, which is very bad.)

Alone man... enjoys hisDo you mean "Alone man" as a taxon or do you mean "A lone man" as defined by this poem. Unclear enough to be accidental.
Single coffee.Picky, I know, but is there a double or a triple coffee? Again, not firm enough in intent to give the reader cofidence

Black coffee.. poems could write
How appropriate to his hunching-over,
It finds itself. Dominated by mood.It? What is this "it"? The coffee is long gone. In a different stanza, even. I guess we are talking espresso, here

Risen steam, meets white-spattered red
Jacket, some light hairs of a beard
And abandoned grey head mop.Now who are we talking about here? You seem to be able to "see" this scene and believe the reader shares your viewpoint. I will try. I see a man drinking coffee, patently alone. The man is hunched over his beverage. The coffee is small, hot, black and steaming. Of no consequence whatsoever, and by this yardstick, puzzling....his red jacket is spattered in white. Perhaps he is an interior decorator on a lunch break....strange coloured jacket for a decorator to wear. Nonetheless, his choice, who gives a fuck? I don't. Should I? What's coming next. Oh, he has a mop of grey hair and a beard. Unkempt. Quite liked "abandoned" but not that much. Right, those white spatters...you were saying. Oh...you were'nt. Bugger.

The man's still in the cold, I can tell Why is he in the cold. Are we outside in December. If so, then I could tell and you wouldn't need to. If he is indoors, why is he cold? Help me.
Won't look up or around- stares at the mug... I understand this line
Prized, protected. Waits between sips, a dog Whaaa? Whhhoo? Whiiii? What dog. WHAT DOG???? You didn't say he had a dog? You lied to me. I don't believe anything you say anymore.

The owner preoccupied in thought, uses thumbs:No, I am really past caring. The cafe owner or the coffee owner, not sure which, has the use of his thumbs. Big deal. That's evolution for you.
Temporarily nursing an imaginary companion
This one thing that he has. Oh, and you forgot to tell me that the cafe owner or the coffee owner doesn't really have a dog but if he thinks he has, it is a poorly dog or not yet weened and though he hasn't really got one it is the only thing he has....but not for long, once the temporary nursing stops it will probably die or starve.....sucking thumbs is no substitute for formula. Shit. I am getting involved. I am out of this.


(end)
I am being really harsh but it is an issue with me that often the writers who have the very best thoughts, seeing things the rest of us do not, have an inability to convey such thoughts. You are such a writer. I wish that I could write this much about nothing at all, seriously, but I veer away because it takes more skill than I possess to carry it off. Try, please, at the very least, to make your words translatable into something which the reader can pick up and carry. Something solid and tangible. Something.
Best,
tectak

v1.0 Original

Alone man... enjoys his
Single coffee.

Black coffee.. poems could write
How appropriate to his hunching-over,
It finds itself. Dominated by mood.

Risen steam, meets white-spattered red
Jacket, some light hairs of a beard
And abandoned grey head mop.

The man's still in the cold, I can tell
Won't look up or around, stares at the mug...
Prized, protected. Waits between sips, a dog

The owner fearing departure, maybe?
Temporarily nursing an imaginary loved one
This one thing that he has.

A waitress walks over, eyeing...
Why don't you just let him
Enjoy his coffee.