Plastic bricks

[Chaotic Body]

I really liked this. However, I found the punctuation jarring in s1 l2 and s2 l2 (thought that's a personal bias).

S4: "Mommy, later on the phone" this might be more clear if the words were switched around? I think it would work to say "later on the phone, mommy"

The last stanza is great.

Thanks for the input!

Is the jarring such a huge concern with poetry in general? (I'm thinking it is)

I think I'm taking too long to get to the meat of the story.. could also do with more imagery, I really love how I fitted in 'standing on plastic tiles' just because there wasn't really much else to say. I thought it's not good using a whole line of the poem for something that's meant to be uncovered by the reader, but the 'standing on plastic tiles' adds something of value.. maybe not enough. What do you think about that?