04-17-2012, 02:07 PM
2 observations
Although the speaker is probably female, this feels like it was written by a male.
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These first two lines read a bit awkwardly
"reading a book as I eat breakfast
he walks by and reaches to stroke my hair"
Maybe
I eat breakfast while reading a book,
he walks by and reaches to stroke my hair:
I recoil—
his eyes harden.
Personally, I would say "my father walks by..."
as I see no reason to be coy with who it is, and it would keep the reader from wasting time pondering who the speaker is talking about.
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" not sure how i feel about S4 L1 though"
What about
"Sorry!" I say,
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Actually a third. Just because it is poetry, doesn't mean you can't use proper punctuation, especially as there seems no reason not to, and the clarity of this piece would improve by it's usage.
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Also "decibel" does not express what you seem to try to imply with its usage. It seems you are trying to use it to mean intensity, instead of a unit of measurement.
Aside from those little things this is a nice vignette about young adult individuation and the tension it creates.
Dale
Although the speaker is probably female, this feels like it was written by a male.
-----------------------------------------
These first two lines read a bit awkwardly
"reading a book as I eat breakfast
he walks by and reaches to stroke my hair"
Maybe
I eat breakfast while reading a book,
he walks by and reaches to stroke my hair:
I recoil—
his eyes harden.
Personally, I would say "my father walks by..."
as I see no reason to be coy with who it is, and it would keep the reader from wasting time pondering who the speaker is talking about.
---------------------------------------------------
" not sure how i feel about S4 L1 though"
What about
"Sorry!" I say,
--------------------------------------------
Actually a third. Just because it is poetry, doesn't mean you can't use proper punctuation, especially as there seems no reason not to, and the clarity of this piece would improve by it's usage.
---------------------------------------------------
Also "decibel" does not express what you seem to try to imply with its usage. It seems you are trying to use it to mean intensity, instead of a unit of measurement.
Aside from those little things this is a nice vignette about young adult individuation and the tension it creates.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.