04-14-2012, 09:14 AM
hi jmnical.
thanks for the 1st poem of many (i hope)
i love the contrast of you knowing his love though i don't suppose it made the violence any easier.
it's the 2nd stanza that really makes this a good poem as opposed to to decent prose. whether it's personal or not doesn't matter (really) that it reads as personal does, and this reads that way. it feels like something the writer has actually experienced. i think you could lose a few small words to make it even tighter than it is. specially the 'two but's' though of course that's just a minor nit.
thanks for the 1st poem of many (i hope)
i love the contrast of you knowing his love though i don't suppose it made the violence any easier.
it's the 2nd stanza that really makes this a good poem as opposed to to decent prose. whether it's personal or not doesn't matter (really) that it reads as personal does, and this reads that way. it feels like something the writer has actually experienced. i think you could lose a few small words to make it even tighter than it is. specially the 'two but's' though of course that's just a minor nit.