03-20-2012, 09:33 AM
This is a very male voice yet the reading exposes a feminine personality speaking the lines. so it can work for a women or a male companion
Your hook line is L8 all before is fill setting the background, you don’t need them unless you can rework them and sit them at the end. That sometimes works but not always and how about cutting the word barked, it makes drama and a longer hesitation as one would if a gun had just gone off. Sometimes it’s what is not written that works for the better , just an idea worth looking at
A shack, fenced by the trees,
hidden-- until the moment his gun!
His scent whispered through like a resin kiss
Perfection changes with the light and light goes on for infinity ~~~Bronte