Hercynian

[tectak]

Hercynian* Silva from far above I see, comma after Silva, otherwise the Hercynian Silva is far above
the mountainous terrain of Germany, full stop after Germany
and I imagine you were as before I imagine you were, as long before,
from those mountains you were shorn. when from those mountains you were shorn (not sure about shorn, did you dismiss "born" as clichéd?) Semi colon after shorn?
When Rome could only stand at your feet, drop the capital w
pretending, you, it did defeat, very unclear, but full stop after dear
and there is nothing that I hold so dear, In truth there is nothing I hold so dear
as knowing you taught Rome to fear.
Yet time it seems can defeat all foes,
just as it heals all ills and woes, full stop after woes
I regret I’ll never walk again,
through Black Forested, wood dense lands,
nor e’er again be battered by the Rhine,
where I left my flesh behind, semi colon after "behind" possibly
and my heart there too was meant to be, there,too, was
so my spirit could fly free. Not sure why heart left behind enables spirit to fly free[/b]

©2012 ~Erthona
Dale, I freely admit that I have edited this to suit my own predilictions. That is the most which a critic could be expected to do when personal observations are encapsulated by cameo emotions. If you disregarded all of my suggestions you may be truer to yourself. I do not believe that intervening critiques should change the writer's message, but you gave me carte blanche.
Best,
Tectak


* Pronounced like Hey-sin-ee-ah: A primeval forest, the remains of which is the Black Forest.

The form: This is written in accentual verse with alternating lines of five and four feet ending in rhyming couplets.

Yes. Stayed here three years ago ( Freudenstadt) with a mycological study group, MYKOLOGISCHE ARBEITSKREIS RHEIN-NECKAR or MAK. Quite incredible area but hazy recall due to imbibment of large quatities of New Wine.
Your piece is in need of some punctuation which I am loathe to start on as the simple flow does not need the prompting which precision punctuation brings.

I hate l6 but again, as the language comes across as if translated twice, it is the strange punctuation which detracts. I would prefer it if you read the whole thing over and decided which way to go. Any suggestions by me would be better received, I think, if you confirmed that you were happy with punctuation as is. This is not a cop out by me.....but it might be by you.
Overall, I am disinterested in the meter or rhyme scheme in this after but one read. This is often the case when I (and others!) find an empathy with the sentiment expressed.
Best,
Tectak
Ps. Where were you flying to?