Seeds of Holy Things

[tectak]

Stars do not destroy themselves
in one burst of fiery gold flame,
twinkling
to be buried in the hands of God.Though this is a fine and promise-filled stanza it is not scientifically correct. This should not matter to the poet, anything goes I am continually expected to believe.....but, the next stanza goes sci-fi,if not pseudo-scientific and this seems to me to confuse the message. Whatever that is. See, it is happening already The thing is....well, super-nova.

Instead
fire fingers creep to the edges like
jars humming with electric karma lottery
for an obsessive compulsive.Of course,a comma after"karma"would seem to improve sense the line/stanza but then with that improvement comes the realisation that understanding is still absent. I believe the PC response is.....it must just be me. I do not understand this stanza because electric karma in a jar is a lottery for an obsessive compulsive is outside my intellectual grasp....but that's just me.

The dark face of night is a wild drink
of soft precious amber and ripe rose;
sublime magnetism created the
Temple of the first kiss of love
with secret incandescent dreaming,Again, and with restraint, there are words of beauty here; but as Ernie Wise said " Listen sunshine, I am playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order". Or Eric Morecambe.


majik

and the tribe
of silver meadows of the moon. Yep. I guess its just me. Somebody help me....I am missing so much.

There is romanticism and there is romance. One can bring on a grave bout of the other. If you wish to impart a wistful sense of being, or a deeply philosophical and unique thought, you are locking yourself into romanticism...not necessarily in any way connected with romance. The language you choose to use has less to do with the message in this piece but has more to do with your wish to be romantic. It would be better to swing one way or the other. I like the bold opener and in spite of its erroneous PHYSICAL content, there was promise that this was just another way of romancing the reader. You will know the expression "Take no notice, it is all just romancing".....well that's where I was taken with this. I took little notice of what you were saying as I was convinced at the outset that veracity was not of significance......this is a pity. A rewrite would not work for me; this is not my cup if tea. There are others here who will espouse the usefulness of words for their own sake and will crit this on their own terms. I try very hard to crit based upon the round and I get crit back, in fair measure, on that platform. You must decide what progress the one school of thought can offer you over the other.Oh yes. Scintillate.
Best,
Tectak
Ps I held off on this one to see which way things went. It was as expected.