03-03-2012, 11:43 PM
Jack,
The first and second stanzas were beautifully descriptive. I had a slight bit of a problem with the plural/singular of
"Like Oriental lamps it floats to the roof of my skull,
a thousand fragile lighthouses."
I can only guess you are referring to "art" and not "hope and love", et al.
It seems it should be:
"Like Oriental lamps they float to the roof of my skull,
a thousand fragile lighthouses."
Plus if "it" is singular that causes a problem with it = Oriental lamps. You can make that work, but you are going to need to add a little more verbiage. Plus there is the problem that "it" as "art" is quite a ways back in the sentence.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I thought the phrase "until my gender disappears." seemed to address a side issue, as there is nothing that references that prior to it's introduction as a problem to be addressed, so found it somewhat disruptive to the reading.
It does not play the same role as "lost since childhood" in the 4th stanza, (which itself, probably could also be done without, but neither does it cause a problem).
One introduces a new problem, the other simply acts as ancillary information. That is, "Why do you need to make your gender disappear, and what does that have to do with what has gone before in this poem?"
For balance this phrase "and the buttocks of men taste that bit more divine" seems as though it should incorporate chicken also. Like "the chicken butts of men taste that bit more divine" as the idea of taste was introduced in stanza four. But really, that last stanza comes off just a tad preachy, as though you just couldn't resists bringing out your ax to grind. Overall I think it weakens the poem as it comes across as petty. I think part of this is as a result of naming "Yahweh" rather than just the generic "God". I have no idea if that was your intent, that is just how it struck me.
I think probably because "Humility is beautiful" does not make obvious or immediate sense, nor doe it correlate with what follows.
Dale
The first and second stanzas were beautifully descriptive. I had a slight bit of a problem with the plural/singular of
"Like Oriental lamps it floats to the roof of my skull,
a thousand fragile lighthouses."
I can only guess you are referring to "art" and not "hope and love", et al.
It seems it should be:
"Like Oriental lamps they float to the roof of my skull,
a thousand fragile lighthouses."
Plus if "it" is singular that causes a problem with it = Oriental lamps. You can make that work, but you are going to need to add a little more verbiage. Plus there is the problem that "it" as "art" is quite a ways back in the sentence.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I thought the phrase "until my gender disappears." seemed to address a side issue, as there is nothing that references that prior to it's introduction as a problem to be addressed, so found it somewhat disruptive to the reading.
It does not play the same role as "lost since childhood" in the 4th stanza, (which itself, probably could also be done without, but neither does it cause a problem).
One introduces a new problem, the other simply acts as ancillary information. That is, "Why do you need to make your gender disappear, and what does that have to do with what has gone before in this poem?"
For balance this phrase "and the buttocks of men taste that bit more divine" seems as though it should incorporate chicken also. Like "the chicken butts of men taste that bit more divine" as the idea of taste was introduced in stanza four. But really, that last stanza comes off just a tad preachy, as though you just couldn't resists bringing out your ax to grind. Overall I think it weakens the poem as it comes across as petty. I think part of this is as a result of naming "Yahweh" rather than just the generic "God". I have no idea if that was your intent, that is just how it struck me.
I think probably because "Humility is beautiful" does not make obvious or immediate sense, nor doe it correlate with what follows.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.