Infatuation

[tectak]

If in love you have ever been,
The loneliness of being you have ever seen,
If to the romantic tales you were at times keen,
Then, pray hear the request of this crazy teen,

If a tear has ever blurred thy vision,
Time ever crept before the dying season,
Path was lost before reaching destination,
No reasons ruled the governing situation,
Then, pray feel the essence of my infatuation,

Ever if you have found yourselves lost,
To the life's fantasies ever caught,
Lived to die in a moments applause ,
But then seized for the times cause,
Think do then about this lone dweller......[/font]

When I began writing poetry I would not have dared to show it to others. I regret that weakness. You have, for whatever reason, decided to put yourself forward for crucifiction
Worry not. First of all, the kindest and most constructive suggestion is that you rewrite this piece....but before you do, examine your motives for writing it in the first place. If you were compelled by a burning desire to put pen to paper and to write a wonderful piece of poetry then you have failed. If, on the other hand, you have such suppressed angst within you that you simply had to let it out, then by a different yardstick, you have succeeded. Indeed, if you are flattered by comforting eulogy, you could not fail. In either case, this is where you deposited you effort and this is a poetry site for the expression of and improvement of poetry.
Re-write the piece.
Already, some here have given good advice and I hope that I can add to their suggestions.
First of all, read your work out loud. If you only read it in your head you will not notice the mistakes because you are using the same processing equipment to read it as you used to write it. Listen to your words as though you were someone else. Cringe if you must, I did; both occasions...reading my own and reading yours. The glaringly obvious becomes glaringly obvious. First off...rhyme. Probably the least necessary attribute of good poetry. Just look what happened to the english language when you thought that the "right" thing to do was to make every line end end with a rhyme to the previous line. You've strangled the grammar...."If in love you have ever been" instead of "If you have ever been in love"; you have mangled the time line with "think do then about this lone dweller" ( forsooth t'were he, but yet swathed in yellow). What year is this?
In fact, on the grounds of gbh to the english language I would hang stanza 3 by the neck until dead.
HOWEVER....and before the compassion troops gallop to your defence, PLEASE do as I suggest and examine your motivation for writing the piece, read it out loud, do not try to be poetic (if you try you are not...a bit like trying to be sincere, really), and understand that my suggestion that you rewrite is NOT because it is rubbish, though it is, but because it is WORTH it.
I must end by going back to the beginning. If you ARE submitting this piece because you are in an emotionally bad place and need to communicate your distress to someone else, then just remember that if you can put your poetry in order, the activity is the best therapy I know. The converse is not true. Those with the greatest need of therapy do not write good poetry.
Finally, only take note of those you agree with....in my opinion.
Best,
Tectak