Culloden Still.......

[Philatone]

hello tec
some quick thoughts that I hope can be of use

Culloden Still
Roots under moss , tight-tangled and tousled, fixed and firm in the lock of time’s door,...just starting, but already the word choice/ tone feels very consistent. like "lock of time's door", it's a dramatic touch but effective for your goal
Sip [1*]soft from the dark sky, where dapper fat grouse, buckshot laden, now cartwheel
Then crash to the lowland, a’wheezing and steaming. They die like Highlanders,..I know it's intentional, but the "a" of "a'wheezing" distracted me. if there's no way around its use, I understand
With feathers of tartan, [*2] dirk-spurred and death-cry, proud breasts cease a’rising.
Proud breasts cease a’rising.

Clod of soiled heath, brown-juiced (the life giver), tainted (or favoured) by hints of past dead, ...I begin getting a little lost in this line. i'm seeing a reference to blood, but could certainly be wrong
Runs staining through fingers as French blood to wine...so the "clod of...heath" does the action here? if the first line is talking about blood, I feel like I would prefer another image than "French blood to wine" because that is a lot of it in a concentrated area; it would almost be comparing blood to blood. again, could be mistaken here
Scotch blood to spirit, a miracle making,
By the still of Culloden: pressed hard on the heather, blood-warmed and flattened, they fell in their time.
Fell for a freedom, fell for fiefdom, fell for a future; they lay in red lines.
Lay in red lines....like the last two lines to close the stanza

Black stratification of carbon-rich infill; here was their last fire, here their last day....the opening half ("black...infill" felt out of place to me; seems overly technical in a piece that seems more intent on phrases like "lock of time's door" and "brown-juiced" and "tainted"
Indelible link, liquor left of the blood pool, is the essence of many who namelessly stay;
Their bodies diluted by a thousand divisions, each fraction weaker, though wider and yet
By homeopathic traces of presence, they will never be memories lost in time’s mist.
Lost in time’s mist. ...just to reiterate, the only real critique I have may be of little value to you, as I'm sure your choices are precise and exact: I just found the word choice slightly inconsistent with the tone and style of the piece as a whole. of course, it's probably something that just applies to me

Clay for a grave-depth, broadsword buried, red-rust adherent to hand-clasp of steel....interesting phrasing
Salt-sweat speeds decay; a perverse oxidation, encrusting on agate and jasper and bronze. ..enjoyed the details on the kinds of elements used
Signs of a Clan Chief, his rank and his standing, prowess and pride now devoured by rain....debated about that "now" and how necessary it is
His gold rings remain where, sword thrust, his hand formed a cast-in depression; hoisting from death....I was drawn to your use of the -ing rather than the -ed form for "hoist".
Hoisting from death.

Deep and yet deeper, seeping down slowly; centuries passing- no changes- but see ...the phrasing I think could be tightened in the second half of the line (centuries...see); maybe there's just too much that needs to be described too quickly, as it seemed a little clunky to me
The strained line of time carries traits of the fallen. Jacobite matter, nuclear bonded,
Echoes familial features of men. These once were the fathers but are again children;
Their cells strange dividing, diminished in number, engrained in granite and fixed in their youth.
Fixed in their youth.

Dark in the rocks in silent procession, minerals leach into thinning cleaved lines.
In fractures and fissures where gravity struggles, the tight-bonded atoms find levels yet lower,
Where pooled genes are cupped. Cold Night sleeps in the caverns; but the dead wake the living.
With clear water brimming and life in solution, the [*3] Well of the Dead will drain gently away.
Drain gently away.
...I'm sure you or someone else can offer a defense, but right now this stanza stands out to me as unnecessary to the piece; I'm just not sure what it contribtues. yeah, it offers a chance to make a connection with the Well, but it didn't feel strong enough to me as whole, and when I removed it, the poem didn't seem to lose a whole lot, besides that refrain. perhaps it could be moved to somewhere closer to the stanzas involving the conflict; it felt to me that you were breaking away from the field to talking about families and such, only to return there again with this stanza; yet, even the next stanza has more of a connection to lineage, what with its references to names

One hour of battle, one hour of triumph, two thousand layered on Culloden’s field.
Barrell’s 4th Foot, Dejean’s 37th, thirty-one more in the blend of that day.
Frenchies and Campbells, Macdonalds, Maclachlans; all gave their all and may be giving still.
The liquor runs on; now gold, now amber, now tan, now straw and in all are they.
In all are they.

Proud breasts cease a’rising,
They lay in red lines.
Never lost in time’s mist
They are hoisting from death;
And fixed in their youth
Will drain gently away,
For in all are they.
In all are they.

TAK 2010





*1 “soft” is of gaelic origin indicating misty wet weather and its use is derived from the word “bog” meaning “soft and wet”. Use now mostly confined to Ireland.
*2 A “dirk” is the highlander’s dagger, often portrayed as being held in the overturn of the hose though strictly speaking this is a “sgian dubh”. The “dirk” was attached to the middle waist of the kilt. The “spur” of the grouse is the protruding claw above the foot, used both offensively and defensively.
*3 “Well of the Dead”. A stone marks the Well of the Dead and the place where Alexander MacGillivray of Clan Chattan fell. The fighting was so fierce at this place that the living had to climb over the dead to get to the enemy.

liked the cyclical nature of genes captured in the closing stanzas. it's an interesting piece that I think you had a lot of success with; I hope some of my suggestions make sense and have merit to them