Father's Day

[tectak]

thanks for the feedback all
hopefully, the edit, clears some things (I certainly understand it was more cryptic than I intended) and adjusts the organization for the better. in terms of lines, I think i'll keep them short for now.
really found all of the suggestions useful, and hope they have yielded a stronger result. billy, I hope the addition of a stanza makes the order of the poem stronger, as well as the changes I made to some of the starting lines, though I'm not sure they are enough.

todd- I want the father alive in the piece and hope that succeeds a little better now. I think fastened works better now without the mentioning of theoor in the 1st stanza. also, I think fallen may work better now as well, as I would like to save it if possible. I did add a second setting, but I think that it contributes to the whole.

tec- i'm working on the piece, though I'm not sure it's getting closer to a form that you would like to see. i hope that the confusion lessens as the read goes to the finish, though perhaps it is still too vague/ unrevealing

Hi philatone,
I think I am coming across as dismissive of your work, which is diametrically the opposite of what I am about. You choose cerebral and intricate concepts and this requires that your methodology goes one of two ways. You either write in a way which minimises the complexity so as to exemplify your own domination of your subject or you make a decision to put thoughts to paper as they come to you.
Which way you go is entirely up to you, of course. Minimising the complexity is an editorial task which removes confusion, yes, but also permits a criticism which is based upon that difficult to measure commodity...quality. To write freely is laudible but the job of the critic, as I see it, is then to INTERPRET the work and this is where I feel that my criticism is probably invalid as the more obscure the work the more subjective the criticism.
I ask for punctuation as an easy first step to clarity. Next is intent of meaning by the logical use of tense and structured relationship of subject to object. Finally, and this is where I really let myself down, is in the persistent establishment of serial chronology throughout the piece. So....I may be asking for too much but over many years I have endured criticism essentially in these three areas....amongst others
Write on, the v2 is excellent.
Best,
Tectak