Entrance

[Todd]

V. 2

Hi Philatone,

I enjoyed the read hopefully these comments will be helpful to you.

Entrance

I was going to open
with a story
of how the words came to me--While I do like the conversational tone you set. I think you could still compress this opening a bit without sacrificing it. You could cut L2 entirely and change "of" to "with" to open L3.
as if they were the gardener
and I the weed,[b]--This simile is awesome. It's unexpected. When you start reading a poem this is the type of element you're hoping to find. You would think that it would be the other way around the writer/speaker being the gardener or the architect of the creation. This though is more reversed. The narrator is the problem (which fits with the hesitancy in the tone). The narrrator is something that needs to be removed to let the garden flourish
stalking the azaleas at noon;--love this line. It's a nice deft touch that cements your imagery. It's not overdone, and I like the sense of motion you give to the weed image.

but then I thought better of it--of it strikes me as unnecessary, but could remain as a style choice
and searched instead
for the right definition to share:--I'm not sure to share is necessary

to dig,
fettered to an old English accent,
or plunge,
with roots
nestled in a French countryside;--you build on the earlier imagery and you made me think of the historical progression of language between different cultures

yet so many words--you may want to pull waited up to end this line to give that breath of expectancy with the break (just an optional thought)
waited at my doorstep,
some in ties and skirts,
some with smiling mothers,
others with postage on their forehead,
I decided to keep looking
for a way to begin,--I don't know if you really need these last two lines you've already made an abrupt transition. I think the pacing serves you better by letting the words and choices overwhelm and get away from you. I think the hesitancy here might be counterproductive

lingering in the aisles
where introductions pushed grocery carts,
peaking above the collars
of poems in the library,
breaking into their bedrooms
with a screwdriver and notepad;--I kept wanting this section to be more jagged, to speed up (if that makes sense), more quick cuts and less finess:

lingering in the aisles
peaking above the collars
breaking into their bedrooms

and maybe more...it feels like there should be a frenzy of motion until finally you end it in the next strophe. I wouldn't worry about tying it up too neatly (just a thought)

when finally, I heard enough
like a judge in a courtroom.--this could just be my style and please disregard if it is. This felt a little awkward to me. Here's another way to maybe look at the line:

when finally, like a courtroom
judge, I heard enough.

Let us begin
with a moment of silence.

No shells from the past,
no trudges through a dictionary's forest.--this feels too self conscious to me. I would consider cutting this strophe and stick with the chanting repetion. The speaker/writer finally released. It could just be me.

Let us begin
with the breath before
the voice,--lovely

the pause
laid as a bridge
we have only begun
to cross. --I also like the shift between the I/We to the inclusive Us that you've brought. The point of communicating is to bring others somewhere (figuratively). The pause laid as a bridge is beautiful writing.

Again I hope some of that will be helpful. You have some strong moments in this one.

Best,

Todd