Once In a While Meltdown

[Leanne]

Only paying attention to the revised version, I'll see if I can get inside your redneck head and help get this where you want it to go, in your own style as much as possible. Now, I don't know how close I am but I get the impression that the sister has unknowingly made a transgression against the mother, who is probably unstable due to being a victim herself, but I could be reading this entirely wrong. I'm going to run with that idea though, just so you know why I'm making these suggestions.

It was an unclear offense,
as if that mattered right now
to the mortified little bunny -- "unclear" is a weak word, maybe you could try (now I'm just being cheeky) "obscure" -- these first lines look like they're the ones causing the most problems, so I'd suggest a rewrite in a slightly different direction, perhaps something like:

Who could know what triggered
the tempest? Not the
mortified little bunny,



watching a nervous predator -- nervous? that seems a poor adjective as well -- if we're talking highly-strung (and I guess we are), I'd probably suggest something like "frenzied" instead

lose her mind down the hallway,
into the distant bedroom. -- "into" really is a problem, it's just not correct usage and it's not different enough from correct to be edgy (if that makes sense) -- what I'd do with this part is along the lines of:


watching as the frenzied predator
sheds pieces of her mind along the hallway
and dens in the distant bedroom

Behind the dark oak
and dulled brass hinges
a tiny plea melts
to a wracking soundtrack
of ignorant throbs.

My back against the door,
I weep for mother
and me.

I think the second half of the poem as it stands is the most accomplished, but presently it's suffering because the first half isn't saying exactly what you want it to say. Hope that helps you a little bit.